Below is the trailer for The Life Zone, a movie by Republican candidate for New Jersey State Senate Kenneth Del Vecchio, who also runs the conservative film production company Justice For All Productions. (Sure.) According to the press release [via] for the film, which was scheduled to premiere at the Hoboken International Film Festival in Teaneck this weekend: "The controversial premise of The Life Zone: three women have been kidnapped from abortion clinics and are being held for seven months—until they all give birth. The film, which appears to cut right down the middle, examining the topic from both sides, offers a powerful, anti-abortion climactic twist."
Sounds great. And looks even better! I wouldn't have figured that a "pro-life" movie would look like the latest installment in the Saw franchise, but all credit to Cecil B. Del Vecchio for the unintentional honesty of representing what a nightmare-scape forcible birth actually is.
A full description of the trailer, given my usual treatment, is below the fold on most browsers.
[H/T to Shaker BCL.]
Robert Loggia (WTF Robert Loggia?!) is in the shadows, with nothing but the magnificent shagginess of his eyebrow clearly visible to the naked heathen eye. He intones in his iconic gravelly voice, "You have all committed a terrible sin." Cue fun-house music-box music.
A would-be-creepy-if-it-weren't-totally-trite montage of poorly lit scenes of a dim makeshift hospital ward, a babydoll head, a bible with a rosary on it, saint cards of Jesus and Mary hung up next to a stark white cross, back to the hospital beds lined up beneath, OF COURSE, a flickering florescent light. LULZ.
A blond white young woman (herein: Blondie) awakens in one of the beds and sits up in alarm. A dark-haired white young woman (herein: Brownie), occupying another bed, looks at her blood-covered hands and screams. There's a third white girl, whose hair is either light brown or strawberry blond, and I'm just going to say it's red because no doy (herein: Red). She won't wake up.
Blondie tries to comfort Brownie, telling her, "We will figure this out!" Robert Loggia, who's a priest (?), tells them, via video (?), "You will indeed figure this out, young ladies." Oh, Red's awake. Hi, Red! Father Bob continues, "I am...YOUR JAILER!"
Reminder: This is a movie that is supposed to convince you that the anti-choice position is awesome.
A garage door opens and in walks a white blond lady doctor, who shall henceforth be known as Dr. Leslie Exposition. Dr. Exposition says: "You were all on the operating table, all ready to commit murder." Cut to Blondie saying, "I was about to have an abortion." Sayeth Red: "Me, too." Cut back to Dr. Exposition: "Your babies will be given life." She looks at the ceiling. "Just as god planned."
"You're nuts," says Blondie. "You kidnapped us!" But Dr. Exposition is having none of it: "You will stay here, in this room, for the next seven months, until you all simultaneously give birth to your children."
Thank you, Dr. Exposition. Kudos to Blondie and Red for the assist. We now understand the colossally asinine premise of the film, in excruciating clarity. I don't want to say that the maker of this movie assumes his audience is very, very stupid, but the maker of this movie assumes his audience is very, very stupid.
"I'm after the legendary uptapped forced birther dipfuck demographic!"—Cecil B. Del Vecchio.
Blondie pounds on a door (but not too hard: "This stuff's rented!") and demands to be let out, even though I'm pretty sure Dr. Exposition made it clear that isn't going to happen. Blondie, what exactly about "you are going to stay in this room until you simultaneously give birth with two other kidnapped pregnant teens" don't you understand?! IT'S PRETTY SIMPLE!
Red whispers conspiratorially, "I can take out that silly church doctor." Something (probably the promise of a surprising end twist right in the press release for the film—great marketing!) tells me that M. Red Shyamalan is really the demented brains behind this whole operation!
"I have implanted small electronic devices in each of you," says Dr. Exposition. And because we've all already seen 9,000 movies in which small electronic devices have been planted to stop imprisoned people deviating from the elaborate plans of their evil captors, Dr. Exposition is left without anything else to do.
"You guys don't buy this electric fence nonsense, do you?" asks Red. Oh, she's so the mastermind.
"You'll all be freed once your babies have been born," exposits Dr. Exposition. Um, I'm pretty sure we've already established that, Leslie!
"I have a constitutional right to an abortion!" says Red, posing (or is she?!) as a straw-feminist saying things that anti-choice people imagine pro-choice feminists might say. "I have the right to choose!"
Dr. Exposition says the young women will never be hurt, and I guess except for that whole kidnapping, forced-birth, implanted with an explosive stuff, she's right!
While the girls sit around a table eating in their hospital-dungeon while wearing their super-unfashionable nightgowns, Red plots to end her pregnancy in its 7th month. "You're seven months pregnant, Stacy!" says Brownie. "Even you have to admit that you have a real baby now!"
"If something goes wrong with the pregnancy, I go home," says Red.
"That might be the only way you DON'T go home," says Blondie, confirming that none of these ladies has considered the possibility that the people who kidnapped them and held them in a windowless, airless, makeshift naughty girls ward in order to force them to give birth against their wills might be lying to them about letting them go home.
Cut to screaming. Red's on the floor. Dr. Exposition shouts, to no one, "Start preparing for an emergency delivery!" Over scenes of Red in labor, and Dr. Exposition screaming "PUSH!" at her (because no doy), Father Bob says, "You were told earlier that you are staying with Dr. Wise (lulz—ed.) until you give birth. And that will never change." Huh?
Credits. And I am depressed to note that I cannot remember the last time I saw a film advertised in which the first four names were female.