Paul Blart: Zoo Fart

Below is the trailer for the upcoming Kevin James film Zookeeper, a film about animals at a zoo breaking "their code of silence in order to help their lovable zookeeper gain the attention of one particular woman." Sure. Despite the fact that animals revealing an ability to speak, concealed for millions of years, because their highest priority is getting Kevin James laid is one of the most depressing plots ever conceived, this film is allegedly a comedy.

Video Description: Kevin James, who is an extremely handsome man by mainstream standards but is supposed to be regarded as an ugly buffoon just because he's fat, and his tall, thin, white, blond girlfriend ride a horse down a beach at sunset. Kevin James "notices" a bottle in the sand. His girlfriend pulls out a note, which is a proposal. She turns to see Kevin James kneeling in the sand, holding out a ring. "Will you marry me?" he asks her. "No," she says, shaking her head. "I know it shouldn't bother me that you're a zookeeper, but…it kinda does." Cue the wacky music!

"Five years later," intones a male voiceover, over scenes of Kevin James zookeepering, "the world's most devoted zookeeper is getting a second chance." He bumps into his former girlfriend at a party at the zoo (sure), where she says she hopes her presence doesn't make him uncomfortable, and he unconvincingly assures her she doesn't, while holding a porcupine that shoots a quill into his face.

We are 40 seconds into this trailer, and we've been expected to laugh merrily at a man's heart being viciously broken and his body subjected to physical pain and emotional humiliation. The fact that he's fat makes it SUPER-hilarious, no doy.

Some David Spade wannabe (good lord) tells Kevin James to come work for him at the car dealership—you know, the one that all dudes with career crises are told they should work at with their sleazy friends in shitty movies. "That is how you get a girl like Stephanie," says Spavid Dade, and he means working at a car dealership. Because, little known fact, women who don't like zoologists totes love car salesmen. It's science, look it up.

Kevin James realizes, "I gotta get out of the zoo!"—because if ever there were a good idea, it is giving up the career you love in pursuit of someone who thinks you're garbage for loving that career.

OH NOES! thinks some monkey who overhears him announcing out loud his intent to leave the zoo to impress some woman with whom he's had no contact in five years.

The male voiceover explains: "The animals of the Franklin Park Zoo will have to do the unthinkable." Cut to a lion telling Kevin James they "need to talk," and Kevin James screaming, running away, hitting his head on a metal bar, and collapsing to the ground. HILARITY!!!

Animals talking. Bad CGI. Requisite exposition about how Kevin James is "the best zookeeper" the animals "ever had," so they had to break their legendary streak of NOT TALKING in order to talk to him about how to get laid. "You listen to us; we'll show you how to get the girl." If you guessed that he has to get the girl by acting like an animal, give yourself 10,000 points! Kevin James acts like a bear.

Uh-oh! Rosario Dawson, fellow zookeeper, catches him acting like a bear and looks confused. Gee, she is very pretty. I hope he gets her as a consolation prize when his attempts to woo the white blond lady who is an asshole are not successful!

Various scenes of Kevin James interacting with his former girlfriend's current suitor, whom the talking animals call his "rival." Of course. He humiliates himself in front of his former girlfriend again. Naturally. In the most shameless product placement of all time, a gorilla asks him if TGI Friday's is "as incredible as it looks." For sure. Montage of various garbage scenes, while The Talking Heads' "Wild, Wild Life" :( plays in the background. Cool. Kevin James growls like a bear at Spavid Dade. Yep.

A lioness tells him, "The best way to attract a female is to be seen with another female." Totes. Kevin James shows up at a wedding with Rosario Dawson on his arm, but only to make his former girlfriend jealous, which is why OBVIOUSLY he has to soar around the room on large strips of white fabric, then humiliate himself in front of her yet again (not to mention ruin the wedding) by knocking over the bride and smashing the ice sculpture.

It is at this point that maybe Kevin James should consider the whole "it bothers me that you're a zookeeper" thing was just a way of avoiding the whole "it bothers me that you are a dipfuck of epic proportions who cannot seem to function as a responsible adult human being despite having no impediments to that objective besides your irrepressible jackassery" thing.

Anyway, blah blah more bullshit, then Kevin James pulled up to TGI Friday's in a van with the gorilla in tow. Well, the gorilla's wearing a t-shirt. I'm sure no one will notice.

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