Film Corner!

Know what's even worse than an insufferable dudebro comedy that objectifies women and treats having sex with them as a trophy for being a Nice Guy…? An insufferable Christian dudebro comedy that objectifies women and treats having sex with them as a trophy for being a Nice Guy. With what appears to be a budget of five bucks.

This, Shakers, is a real thing in the world:

It's all a big party set to "You Can't Hurry Love" as our protagonist, Jack, high-fives his office mates at CubicleCorp, and says, while lounging in his desk chair looking self-satisfied, "Do you realize what I've achieved?" Onscreen text informs us: "Jack saved himself for marriage." Back to the montage of Jack fist-bumping and dancing with his coworkers, because that's obviously something coworkers do. He says, in voiceover, "Only three percent of Americans have accomplished what I've done."

What—don't you and your coworkers keep tabs on what percentage of Americans do and do not have sex before marriage? You and your coworkers are so weird. They've got Excel spreadsheets for that shit at CubicleCorp. True fact.

Jack's sassy female coworker—who, because this is a Christian dudebro comedy for affluent white people, obviously cannot be black or gay and thus is the white conservative Christian equivalent: a white woman who is middle-aged and thus axiomatically meant to be read as unattractive and thus unfuckable—peeks around the border of her cubicle to quip, "And three percent of accountants haven't even kissed a girl!" I guess this is what passes for a "joke" among abstinence-promoting white conservative Christians.

Onscreen text informs us Jack "can't wait for the wedding night." He looks at himself in his dresser mirror and says, in what I think is supposed to be a movie voiceover voice, "He remains a virgin no longer." And then does some other dumb shit, like makes muscles at himself and recreates an iconic scene from The Karate Kid substituting "clothes on, clothes off" for "wax on, wax off." He also sings "Let's get biblical!" to the tune of Olivia Newton-John's 80's aerobics sex classic, "Let's Get Physical."

Hey, makers of Christian cinema—you realize that inserting allusions to heathen films and songs in your pictures might make people seek out those films and songs, or remember them, and realize that they are SO MUCH BETTER, right? (P.S. Awesomely current references.) Anyway.

Onscreen text: "But on his wedding day…" This is followed by a scene of Jack being left at the altar. Onscreen text: "Jack is going to play…" Jack watches his bride depart with another dude, possibly one who isn't treating her virginity like a door prize, and says to his friend to the sound of a deflating erection, "I'm not going to do it tonight, am I?" Onscreen text: "The Waiting Game."

That is the game Jack is playing, and it is also the name of this shitty, shitty film.

Some more things happen. Jack—who is a GREAT ACTOR, by the way—goes all rebel sex fiend and complains to his friend, "I'm so frustrated. You know, I'm just going to do what I want to do anyway. It's not like it's going to wind up on the front page of the newspaper." But wait! Noted sex scandalist Ted Haggard is at the next table! He leans over and says, "Hey, buddy—I wouldn't do that if I were you." HA HA! Way to make lemonade out of snorting meth off a lemon's ass, Reverend Cameo.

Jack tells his friend about a series of terrible dates while they play Wii. Obviously he cannot fall in love with a woman who has hairy toes, or sings off-key, or doesn't act Christian in the One Right Way to Be Christian, of which Jack is the arbiter no doy. WHY WON'T GOD SEND HIM A PERFECT WOMAN TO FUCK?! DOESN'T HE DESERVE AT LEAST THAT—A PHYSICALLY PERFECT WOMAN TO BE HIS WIFE FOR ALL ETERNITY?! GOD!!!

Are you there, God? It's me, Jack.

Hang on a second! Jack bumps into a girl he knew from school. She is also a great actor, FYI. Montage of Jack falling for her and trying to make out with her, while she remains totally oblivious. Not like her attention matters: God has matchmade this perfect match for Jack, to reward him for not having sex with any other ladies, so her will is obviously totes irrelevant.

Montage of stupid garbage scenes, set to some barfy Christian music.

Also some awesome jokes, like two dudes hugging, and HEY YOU DON'T HAVE TO WAVE YOUR WII CONTROLLER AROUND SO WILDLY IF YOU'RE PLAYING CHESS! Jack, you scamp.

Onscreen text: "Abstinence never felt so good." Sure.

[Commenting Guidelines: Please refrain from making comments that treat being sexually active as "normal," or, conversely, being sexual abstinent for any reason as "abnormal." The topic of the post is not individual choices or orientations regarding sexuality. On-topic discussion for this post is how a specific flavor of Christianity, and, by extension, this film, treats women's virginity as (literally) God's gift to men who remain "virtuous" by practicing abstinence until marriage. Also on-topic: How much ass this movie sucks. H/T to Deeks.]

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