The Pope on the Important Issues

The Pope is outraged that parents are being influenced by celebrities and their WEIRD BABY NAMES, and has commanded that Catholics give their children proper Christian names. If they don't want their families to BURN IN HELL! Or something:
The pope, who baptized 21 children on Sunday at a traditional annual ceremony at the Vatican, said afterwards that every new member of the faith acquires the character of a son or daughter of the Church "starting from a Christian name."
He also noted that "Christian names are an 'indelible sign from the Holy Spirit' that help protect family life." So if your family is fucked up, you can blame your parents for giving you a pope-unapproved name. So there. And if you're named Mark or Mary, and your family is fucked up, that probably means you haven't given enough money to the church.
Italian newspapers had a field day with the story on Monday with headlines such as "Give your children Christian names."

One mainstream newspaper dedicated an entire page to it, including lists of names, an interview with a pastor, and a personal account by a man who recalled that priests in Italy at one time only allowed names of Italian saints.
CNN just literally ran like a 10-minute segment on this important news.

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