This is a real thing in the world.

[Transcript below.]

Sure. Let's definitely do this. I can't think of a better way* to show glory to a deity than restoring Stephen Baldwin back to the pinnacle of his career as the thespian laureate of such significant works as Bio-Dome and Half Baked. It will be a great day for America—and for America's founder, Jesus.

Let's get this shit DONE, people.


*I can literally think of hundreds of better ways.

[H/T to Gabe.]
Male Voiceover [over black screen with orange text reiterating various ideas from voiceover]: Long ago in the land of Uz lived a man named Job. Job was the most influential man in the east—a man of great wealth who stood for righteousness and God. Through trials, he lost his children, his health, his home—and wealth. Yet Job stood in faithfulness to God, never turning his back on him. Because of this, he was instantly restored by "all who knew him." [Text onscreen cites Job 42:11.]

[Cut to image of a coffee cup on a table; camera pans to a fake-ass newspaper with a picture of three of the Baldwin brothers and two women. The fake-ass headline is "The Baldwin Brothers."]

Voiceover: Stephen Baldwin, of the famous Baldwin Brothers Hollywood Clan, is a veteran actor who has starred in over sixty films and TV shows. He's no stranger to the Hollywood life of glitz [picture segues into image of Stephen Baldwin wearing sunglasses, standing next to his brother Alec, who's wearing a tuxedo], glamor, and the public eye. In 2002, he had an experience that changed his life forever. [Fake-ass newspaper is replaced by another fake-ass newspaper with picture of Stephen Baldwin wearing a backwards baseball cap and sunglasses, raising his fist, and shouting into a microphone. The fake-ass headline is "Born Again Baldwin."] He became a born-again Christian, giving his life to Jesus Christ.

Over the next few years [picture segues into image of Stephen Baldwin speaking into microphone in front of the Capitol Building], he became very vocal about his faith, using his spotlight [there is some WACKY effect that look like Stephen Baldwin is getting hit by lightning? or something? and then he's still standing in front of the Capitol, but he's GLOWING and there are loads of people cheering for him—it's SO WEIRD] to boldly preach the Gospel to millions of people. [Frame pulls back to reveal the Washington Monument and part of a skyline that looks like Miami?! With PALM TREES?! And "millions" of people listening to Stephen Baldwin preaching in Washingmiami, D.C.] However, because of his convictions, it began to cost him the loss of several jobs—and, most recently, a highly publicized bankruptcy. [Fake-ass newspaper with picture of Stephen Baldwin, with fake-ass headline "Baldwin Files For Bankruptcy."]

He has been publicly ridiculed and insulted by people who think that he's been abandoned by God. A simple search through the internet will reveal that people not only mock Stephen [Text onscreen: "He's such a loser and it's sad"], but mock God, as well. [Text onscreen: "It seems like God isn't watching over him."]

[Cut to the image of a laptop showing the "Restore Stephen Baldwin" website.] In response to this, and with the permission of Stephen's ministry president Daniel Southern, we have established "Restore Stephen Baldwin Dot Org" [dramatic zoom onto laptop], a privately funded and managed website. [Cut to picture of paparazzi camera.] Our vision is to see Stephen Baldwin publicly restored in front of millions. [Cut to picture of Stephen Baldwin, looking all Stephen Baldwinny.] Stephen's platform will increase, allowing him to reach even more people with the Gospel. And God will get all of the glory—publicly.

[Cut to screen reading "THE RESTORATION OF STEPHEN BALDWIN."] Job was restored by the people, all who knew him. This website was created in the footprints of Job's restoration. If the people of God come together and each give a small token gift, we can see a massive restoration of a Christian public figure. And all the glory will go to God! [Text onscreen: Join the movement.] Join the movement. Visit "Restore Stephen Baldwin Dot Org."

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