A full transcript is available by clicking "Read More." It took me forever to do the transcript, because there's a lot going on and not a lot of dialogue, but I tried to make it as comprehensive as possible.
Text onscreen: One Year Ago.
Close-up of eye opening. Creepy music. View of ceiling. Camera looks down on Jimmy Fallon, wearing a suit, lying on the floor of an office. He has a cut on his cheek. He breathes heavily and looks around as if to figure out where he is and what's happened to him. He gets up and stumbles between empty cubicles. He pulls a mint out of his pocket.
He walks into an abandoned corridor, finds the freight elevator; he pounds on the doors. Then he hears voices yelling and runs toward them though a jungle of empty cubicles. He passes a goldfish bowl with a single goldfish in it. Creepy music crescendos!
He arrives upon a disturbing scene in the elevator lobby. Smoke, the alarm going off, scattered papers, bad lighting, people are yelling and disoriented and possibly hurt. Jimmy looks anxious as he sizes up the situation.
Text onscreen (zooming in as Lost title): LATE.
Jimmy walks among the people in the elevator lobby, many of whom suspiciously resemble Lost cast members.
Black man looking for his son: Jeff! Jeeeeeeeeff!
White man frantically pushing elevator button: The elevators aren't working!
White woman helping man on ground whose leg is stuck between elevator doors [to Jimmy]: He's stuck—his leg is stuck! [to man] We're gonna get you out of here, okay?
Jimmy pries apart elevator doors, and holds them open, then turns back to woman.
Jimmy: What's your name?
Jimmy: Jane, is there anything laying around?—I need to prop this open!
Jane grabs a blue binder and offers it to Jimmy.
Jane: Will this work?
She sticks it in between the elevator doors as Jimmy grunts while straining to hold them open.
Jimmy: Perfect! Perfect! Okay! [They turn back to the man on the floor and grab his arms.] One…two…three! [They pull him backwards.] Okay! [to man] You stay here! [to Jane] You okay?
Jane: I think so.
The binder quivers between the elevator doors.
Jimmy: Listen to me: We don't have much time. The elevator's about to blow. I need you to be as far away from here as possible. Do you understand?
Jimmy: All right. Now go to the conference room and wait for me! NOW!
Jimmy begins to walk away, but Jane shouts after him.
Jane: Wait, wait, wait! Where's the conference room?!
The suspenseful music comes to a halt. Jimmy stands upright and speaks in a normal tone of someone directing someone else through an office.
Jimmy: Ach! Uh, you know, it's out the hall, you take a right— [he gestures]
Jane: My right or your right?
Jimmy: Pretend I'm you. So it's like three, uh, three offices to the left.
Jane: The left?
Jane: Okay, great!
Jane runs away and the suspenseful music starts up again.
Young white man on floor, next to another, older white man: He's not breathing!
Jimmy leans down and listens to the older man's chest. He starts to do chest compressions.
Jimmy: C'mon, breathe, dammit, BREATHE!
Young White Man: Are you gonna do that thing where you kiss him?
Jimmy makes an exasperated face and continues chest compressions.
Jimmy: Breathe, c'mon, breathe! Uh! Uh! Breathe! Breathe! C'mon, breathe! Cooooomne oooon!
He starts compressing harder, impatiently. Then begins karate chopping the man in the chest. Then double-fist punching his chest. Then kicking him. Then more karate chopping. Then he pauses, listens, and gives him one more huge punch to the chest/throat. The man gasps awake.
Jimmy: Come on—we gotta get outta here!
The binder quivers between the elevator doors. Jimmy stands and turns to face all the people in the lobby.
Jimmy: The elevator's gonna blow! Everybody out!
They all run. Music crescendos. Jimmy is seen ducking behind a wall. A plume of smoke comes around the corner. Cut to Jimmy and other people wandering around in a cloud of smoke.
Jimmy: I'm gonna check the other elevators on the floor, see if any of them are working!
Black man: Jeff! Jeff! Jeff! [He grabs Jimmy by the collar.] My son! Have you seen my son?!
Jimmy: Calm down, sir, okay? Calm down. We're gonna find! your! son! A little black boy wanders by. Is this him right here?
Black man: Oh. Thanks.
The father and son walk away as Jimmy plows on through the smoke. He comes across two young white men; one is injured and propped up against a cubicle.
Jimmy: Hang in there, buddy! Hang in there, okay? [He puts his hand on the injured man's forehead, then turns to the other man.] All right, look, keep this leg elevated; if you see any more bleeding, COME FIND ME!
Jimmy walks on; Jane runs after him.
Jane: Hey, where are you going?
Jimmy: Our elevator just crashed on a deserted floor, and I'm late for my show! Where do you think I'm going?! To find the stairs!
Jane: I'm coming with you!
Jimmy: No, you're staying right here!
Jane [pointing down deserted corridor]: You're not going out there alone!
Jimmy: Yeah I am!
Jane: No, you're not.
Jimmy: Oh, yeah huh!
Jane: Uh, no.
Jimmy: Oh yeah.
Jane [makes sexy face] Come on.
They run down the hallway. Older Man pops up out of nowhere. The Older Man is "Late Night" announcer Steve Higgins, generally known as Higgins, so that's what I'll call him from here on out.
Higgins: Hey, where you going?
Jimmy [confidentially]: Uh, me and Jane were just gonna go—
Higgins [not getting hint]: All right, I'll go with ya! Come on! [While Jimmy makes frustrated face, Higgins runs to catch up with Jane.] Jane!
Cut to the three of them walking down a corridor, trying different doors, all of which are locked. Higgins tries a door Jimmy has just tried.
Jimmy [exasperatedly]: I just tried that!
Higgins: Which one? Did you try this one?
Jimmy: Just keep an eye on which ones I'm trying! [They keep walking. Jimmy puts his hands to his mouth like a megaphone.] Can anyone hear me?!
Higgins: Can you hear him?!
Jimmy gives Higgins a WTF look. They pass the goldfish. Creepy music! They come upon an old man in a well-lit room, sitting in a barber's chair wearing a smock, next to a classic red-white-and-blue barber's pole. While the others take no notice and keep walking, Jimmy stops to talk to him.
Jimmy: Dad? [The old man just stares back.] You're not real!
The old man just stares. Jimmy walks toward him with an outstretched, quivering hand. Suddenly, a young white man in a hoodie walks up behind Jimmy.
Hoodie Guy: What are you looking at, Suit Boy?
Jimmy gasps and turns quickly to face Hoodie Guy. He looks back to where the old man was, and it is now just empty space.
Jimmy: Nothing. Uh, I was just looking for the stairs.
Hoodie Guy: Well, I'm looking for the stairs.
They stand and look at each other. Hoodie Guy makes a move as if to punch Jimmy. Jimmy flinches. Higgins peeks around the door.
Higgins: I think you guys are gonna wanna see this.
They follow Higgins to find Jane, who is standing in front of a massive cabinet filled with yellow legal pads pads.
He runs his fingers along the pads and then pulls one out.
Jane [whispering]: What do you think they use them for?
Jimmy: This place is starting to freak me out.
He puts the pad back in its place and they back away from the cabinet. The music crescendos again as they walk away. As Hoodie Guy passes, he makes a move as if to punch the cabinet. Cut to the four of them walking down a corridor.
Hooodie Guy [laughing]: Scared of legal pads? You need a pacifier, baby?
Jimmy [stopping; turning to face Hoodie Guy]: You don't know what I need.
Jane: Guys, come on.
They make faces at each other then follow Jane. Cut to the four of them investigating a room filled with empty boxes and a desk. Higgins pulls a book out of a drawer and hands it to Jimmy. It's a "Goosebumps" children's novel titled "My Hairiest Adventure." The back cover of the book reads: "He's having a really, really bad-hair day…" Jimmy looks perplexed.
Cut to Jimmy walking toward a door marked "Exit."
Jimmy: Guys, I think I just found our exit. [They congregate by the door, also labeled with a smaller sign "Stairs."] There's still time to make the show.
Jimmy: I'll see you on the other side.
Moving music swells as he looks at each of them.
Jane: Be careful!
Jimmy: Usually I'm saying that to you.
[They exchange knowing grins, then embrace. Violins! Jimmy and Higgins clasp hands.]
Higgins: Take care, bro.
They do an elaborate handshake. Then Jimmy bro-nods at Hoodie Guy, who bro-nods back. The music crescendos as Jimmy walks toward the door. In slo-mo, he looks back over his shoulder, then opens the door and steps into the darkness.
Cut to Jimmy walking down stairs. Celebratory music swells as he moves faster through the stairwell. He comes to another door and stops, looking back contemplatively at from where he came. Majestic music plays as his hand slowly reaches for the knob.
Cut to the other side of the door. The music changes abruptly as Jimmy's expression turns to horror and confusion. He is looking at the backs of the other three, who are looking at the door though which he just left. They turn to look at him.
Jimmy: Where are we?
Text onscreen: LATE.