I Write Letters

Dear American Advertisers, Marketers, Makers of Films and Television Shows, and Other Purveyors of Pop Culture Imagery and Narratives:

I am a fat person.

See? That's a picture of me bein' all fat and stuff.

I'm not a little bit fat. I'm a lot fat. I'm the sort of fat woman you wouldn't normally think about except as a punchline or a cautionary tale.

For the record, I'd like to let you know a few things I've never done as a big fat person:

• Sat on a chair and had it break.
• Jumped on a diving board and had it break.
• Broke a bed frame while fucking.
• Busted out of my clothes while eating.
• Exploded an inner tube with my powerful fat.
• Sunk a boat with my tremendous rotundity.
• Blown out a vehicle's tires with my colossal girth.
• Broken a fall with my enormous gut.
• Bounced off something with my gut, boobs, or ass.
• Sat on another person accidentally.
• Sat on another person maliciously.
• Unwittingly crushed an animal under my fat ass.
• Been in a food-eating contest.
• Grabbed food with both hands and shoved it in my mouth.
• Spoken while my mouth was stuffed with food.
• Ripped food out of someone else's hands.
• Gotten stuck in a chair, doorway, or any other small space.
• Emptied a pool with a bellyflop.
• Fallen through a floor.
• Stunk, just because I'm fat.
• Discovered food stuck in a fat roll.
• Discovered a remote control stuck in a fat roll.
• Discovered anything stuck in a fat roll.
• Eaten an entire gallon of ice cream.
• Eaten an entire bag of potato chips.
• Eaten an entire box of cereal.
• Eaten an entire cake.
• Eaten an entire pie.
• Been friendless.
• Been unable to get a date.
• Been unable to get laid.
• Hated other fat people.
• Hated thin people.
• Hated myself.
• Ceased having dignity.
• Ceased being human.
• Existed for a single moment blissfully unaware of my fatitude and the contempt it elicits in folks just like you.

There are more, but I'm going to guess you've gotten the picture.

There are fat people—even big fat people like me—who have experienced these things. And there are thin people, and medium-sized people, who have experienced these things, too.

But it's funny how it's always the fat folks who seem to get the wonky chair in the movies and adverts, who are the last ones to step on the weakened floorboard before it cracks, the ones who can't stop shoving that entire package of delicious cookies in their mouths because they're so gosh-darn tasty.

And it's funny how rarely we're seen doing anything else. It's almost as if you aren't aware that we struggle to figure out what to be when we grow up, that we go on crappy dates, that we have shitty jobs, that we make discoveries and commit crimes, that we become presidents and stay-at-home-parents, that we're every intersectionality one can imagine, that we are couch potatoes and athletes, that we fall in love and fuck and make babies, or not, that we are smart and dumb and nerdy and fashionable and sophisticated and mellow and all kinds of disparate and complex things. It's almost as if you think we don't live full, rich lives.

So take a memo, my friends: We do.

Professional Fat Cunt

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