Hendrick Colton, 34, said that he bought a ticket to the summer blockbuster "Iron Man" at his neighborhood multiplex but wandered into the theater showing "Sex and the City" instead. "The minute the movie came on, I knew something was terribly, terribly wrong," he said.My God, a movie where stuff isn't exploding every three seconds! Oh, the humanity!
Mr. Colton, a sales clerk at a Home Depot in the Akron suburbs, said he tried to leave the theater immediately but was seated in the middle of a row, making it impossible to escape without causing commotion. "All the people around me were laughing their heads off and shouting, 'You go, girl!'" he said. "It was terrifying."Scary girls! What? They have cooties? Christ on a cracker, what are you, twelve? Seriously, is this supposed to be funny? You used to write for The New Yorker? Oh, and hey, you know what? No one says "You go, girl!" anymore.
Borowitz, the man behind Who Moved My Soap?: The CEO's Guide to Surviving in Prison (Oh, ho! Prison rape jokes! Tres clever!) continues:
A spokesman for New Line Cinema, the company that released "Sex and the City," said that the film grossed $55 million over the weekend but that Mr. Colton was the only heterosexual man known to have seen it.Note to any straight men who have actually seen the film: You're gay. If you doubt me:
"A heterosexual man could see that movie and remain heterosexual at its conclusion," Dr. Logsdon said. "Having said that, it's totally gay that he did that."See? Totally gay. Not a real man. We get it. Sure, you can "remain heterosexual" but nudge nudge wink wink, come on, not really… Straight guys shop at Home Depot and watch movies with explosions. Gay men probably shop at Linens and Things, and well, we know what kinds of movies they like.