Osama bin Laden threatened us! Why aren't we freaking out!!

Looking through the Los Angeles Times recently, I noticed something that terrified me to the very core. Osama bin Laden has threatened Israel and its allies.

"We will continue our struggle against the Israelis and their allies," Bin Laden said in the 10-minute audio released to coincide with Israel's 60th anniversary and as President Bush was wrapping up his visit there. "We are not going to give up an inch of the land of Palestine."

Now, this isn't what frightened me. What truly chilled my bones was this - it was on page B6!!!!

Are you fucking kidding me?? Osama bin Laden has just threatened to obliterate every last man, woman, child and cute little bunny on the planet, and we can't even get it on the front page??


Listen, I have a seven-year-old nephew. All he knows in life is that when Osama bin Laden says something, it's on the news 24/7, he shits himself for four straight days, hides in the closet for another two days, then he gathers up enough courage to go down and spit on the front lawn of the Indian family who lives down the street. Why? Because he's American and that's all he knows. Bin Laden talks, he shits, hides and spits in the vicinity of someone who looks vaguely terrorist-ish.

But now, on Israel's 60th anniversary, bin Laden, talks smack and we're all acting like it's no big whoop. My nephew is totally head-fucked now. He doesn't know what to do. Hell, the Indian family down the street from him are even confused.

Listen, when Osama bin Laden speaks, I expect my leaders to go bonkers-shit insane and start screaming about wars of civilizations, disembowelments and how Islam is the religion of death. I expect the Homeland Security to create a separate Homeland Security just to protect the original Homeland Security. I expect the terror-alert system to be cranked up to Mauve ("Incomprehensible Terrorist Threat"). I expect the Patriot Act to be tripled in size and voted through before anyone reads it. I expect Muhammad Ali to be hung by his balls.


I want President Bush to stand if front of the White House holding Barney and tell the American public that everything's NOT going to be OK, and we're all fucked and that the evil IslamoDogEaters will devour each and every dog you love. And I want him to mispronounce "devour" and then smirk and say something like "Ride 'em Cowboy." Then we can all feel just that much better about the $700 Trillion we've spent to buy Iraq for Exxon.

This is bullshit, I tell you, grade-A bullshit. If there is one thing I demand from my leaders, it's consistency. And since Sept. 11, 2001, if Osama bin Laden has so much as farted, every right-wing pundit reads the Book of Revelations out loud. Hell, I'm willing to bet the private companies that run interrogation for the U.S. these days are barely torturing their captives any more than normal right now.

This country has been run by one simple premise for the past seven years - if Osama bin Laden, or even someone who sounds like Osama bin Laden, says something, we as a nation take a huge steaming crap of terror because our leaders demand it of us.

If we can't count on our leaders to scare the shit out of us every time bin Laden does anything, pretty soon, we'll be ignoring him outright. And then, Iran will have won. It's as simple as that.

So for the love of all that's holy, let's get on it. Fox News, write up some new "Osama Speaks" music that sounds threatening. Replay the Twin Towers falling on a continuous loop, only interspersed with occasional clips of Saddam Hussein, bin Laden, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and Michael Moore. Whatthefuckever. Just. Do. Something. To. Frighten. Us.

A great opportunity to be terrified, put Reynolds Wrap on our windows, and hide in the cellar eating franks and beans from a can has passed us right by. We can't live like this. Fuck, my nephew is actually starting to look at the Indian family down the street like they're humans. He's only seven for Chrissakes, how will he ever learn to dehumanize billions and billions of people if we just ignore random Osama bin Laden tapes?

This nation's going right down the shitter, I tell you.


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