John McCain promises to not appease Adolf Hitler

LOUISVILLE, Kentucky – Campaigning today at the University of Louisville, GOP Presidential candidate had sharp words for Democratic candidates Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama, but had even sharper words for a dictator defeated 63 years ago.

“My friends, Adolf Hitler has run amok through Europe because of the type of appeasement policies that Senators Obama and Clinton propose,” said McCain to deafening applause. “When I am President, I guarantee that we will end Hitler’s reign of terror by 2013, at the very least.”

Few reporters in attendance were willing to question McCain on his odd Hitler references, as the crowd made it clear that they firmly stood behind McCain on the issue.

“The Democrats are appeasers, period,” said Stan Silvsky, a second-year political pundit student at the University. “If they’re left to run things, Hitler will continue to Nazify Europe, until we have no choice but to fight him here in the U.S. That’s why we’re in Iraq. And that's why we need to attack Iran. Hitler.”

While most experts agree that Adolf Hitler died in 1945, the majority were unwilling to question McCain’s statements, as McCain was once a prisoner of war and holds great barbecues, so “it’s really better to just avoid debating him, he’s a real American hero,” as one New York Times reporter noted.

During the occasionally rambling 11-hour campaign speech, McCain spoke often of the importance of catching Hitler now before any real damage was done.

“I tell this now to my friends the Israelis, we will stop at nothing to stop Hitler, we will not fall into the trap of appeasement like Wilt Chamberlain and Jimmy Carter,” said McCain, who stopped and napped for six hours during the speech at one point.

“He’s a menace in the mold of Obama bin Laden,” chuckled McCain to thunderous applause. “When I’m President and we invade Iran, there will be no talk of WMDs or Democratizing anything. It will be about getting Hitler, pure and simple. There aren't any ingenious discussions that will stop that Nazi bastard.”

Later in the day, chief McCain spokesman Joe Lieberman stepped forward to clarify McCain’s remarks.

“No one understands the enemies that threaten to disembowel every last American like John McCain does,” said Lieberman. “John was obviously using Hitler as a metaphor. What he meant was that he would never appease German Chancellor Angela Merkel.”


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