In a disclosure that has shocked America and offended our nation's fragile sensibility, it was revealed today that Miley Cyrus, who portrays the popular sitcom character "Hannah Montana," has appeared before millions of children naked, except for strategically sewn fabric designed to cover her body and protect her from the elements while serving as decoration for her young, nubile self.
The 15-year-old Cyrus described herself as "mortified," as forums buzzed about whether she was becoming the next Jamie Lynn, or Lindsay, or God forbid, Britney.
A spokesperson for the so-called "clothing industry" described Cyrus' so-called "clothing" as "tasteful, yet embracing a sort of joie de vivre that speaks to the 8-13 demographic."
The nakedness and tawdriness of underaged girls is an important and vital issue that must be discussed, said numerous Hollywood sources.
"This is just another case of someone manipulating a young girl into focusing on her looks," said Disney executive Harold Farnwald, interviewed at Orlando's Bibbidy Bobbidy Boutique. "I don't understand it. All I know is that this is really going to hurt sales of the Hannah Montana 'Girls Rock' Bikini."
King Frisco, an editor for Entertainment Weekly, agreed.
"I mean, if Miley Cyrus is going to go around naked but for fabric draped over her, she's just begging us to imagine what her firm, young breasts look like, her smooth, tan skin, her tight, virgin...well, you get the idea. And I think that's shameful."
But former teen star Deborah Gibson said Cyrus' decision to go about au naturale save for clothing was understandable.
"You think this is outrageous? Wait 'til you hit 30, sweetheart," Gibson said, downing a fifth of gin. "That's when the agent comes and tells you that it's time to do the Playboy shoot. 'Make a little money from all the 40-year-olds who jerked off to the cover of Out of the Blue,' they said. 'It'll be tasteful,' they said. Feh."
The owners of the site jailbaitwait.com, which is running a countdown to Cyrus' 18th birthday* -- currently 2 years, 29 weeks and 5 days -- could not be reached for comment.
*I am not making this up, and I definitely ain't linking to it.