Christians: Give all your money away or burn in Hell

This week at the Masters golf tournament there will be more millionaire Christians congregated together than one could shake a stick at, should stick shaking be an action you prefer for this type of thing.

Yes, Augusta, Georgia is just bursting at its peach-stained borders as it prepares for the Masters, as old money meets with new money that meets with "Hey, how the hell did you get money?" at extravagant Masters-flavored galas throughout the land.

But the fact is this: Christians are in immortal peril. We must save them. You see, as I was strolling through Kevin 4:12 (there was a Kevin, right?) I came to a part that states that every Christian should give away all their money and preach about Jesus, or go to Hell. Or something like that. It was pretty explicit, though.

Now, while I pick and choose which parts of the Bible I take seriously (you know, like all other Christians), I have decided to take this particular sin Extremely Seriously.

And being a golf blogger, it was easy to find a whole flock of sinners this week - in Augusta. You can almost feel the Christianity in the air at Augusta National, though I suspect that would be true in most of the South. This is not a bad thing, mind you. I would have to guess that the vast majority of Georgia Christians are true peaches. They tithe, they give, they are generally pleasant to be around. But like me, they are sinners headed for hell. Unlike me, they care.

So I have decided that a two-prong plan is necessary. The first part is that every good Christian in Augusta (including PGA Tour players) must give away all their earthly goods. The second part is they need to give it all away to me.

Now, I can see that the latter part of this plan raises eyebrows, but its necessity is two fold. First, it's all about verification. You send me everything; I mark you down as not violating that sin. And I'll make a Powerpoint Presentation out of it that will really dazzle.

Secondly, you'll be enriching me. As a non-believer, I will be punished even extra for living such a luxurious life, and I will be promoting the Christian cause. Do you see the beauty in that? I will not mock your faith and only speak highly of it. Because, seriously, I'll freakin' love Christians.

Also, for me - a Hell-bound soul - this is sort of a "Pay My Way Through Hell" deal. At very least, I can spend my mortal days in the manner I so clearly deserve. And when it's all over, you can laugh at me from above as I get eternally tortured, and kick myself for being so shortsighted.

But it's cool because I don't believe in that. But you do.

Because religion matters. And you either follow the rules or you don't. God just isn't going to cut anyone any slack and this isn't something a deathbed confession will fix. This is a big sin we're talking about here. I want to help as many of you as I can. Let me save you as I damn myself. Just put on some old clothes and hiking boots and start wandering the land telling people about Jesus. And then have your accountant give away all your possessions. To me.


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