Hey Shakers! It's Kenny Blogginz again! You know, I've been hearing a lot of people talking about different monolithic groups lately and how presidential candidates are always pandering to The Hispanics, The African-Americans, and even The Gays, but there's one minority in America who's very difficult to pander to—Ladies. I decided it was high time for me to solve the mystery of the Vagina Vote, so I scampered over to Pussydoodles Bar & Grille to interview some Vaginated Americans.
KenBlog: Is there anyone with a vag in this place?
The tension was palpable. I could see immediately that I'd made some sort of mistake. How was I supposed to know?
MadgeVag: My name's Madge "The Vag" McGillicutty, and I got more vag than you can handle.
As she cornered me, I began to quickly stammer an explanation for my presence.
KenBlog: I'm Kenny Blogginz, and I write for an electronic newspaper called The Shakesvag Intelligencer. I'm just trying to write an article about the Vagina Vote. I only wanted to interview a few ladies about who they were planning on voting for!
MadgeVag: I have to admit, I was suspicious of you at first. But now that I see you up close, I can tell that you've got the Fire of the Hero in your eyes. I'm gonna holster my vag for a while and participate in this here cyberversation.
KenBlog: Thank you very much. Why don't you start off by telling me a little bit about yourself?
MadgeVag: Well, Kenny, as you may have noticed, I ain't ashamed of my vag. That's why I'm wearing these here crotchless pants without any underwear. I'm a 37-year-old truck driver and part-time bounty hunter. I once shot a man dead with a crossbow.
KenBlog: That's very impressive. Which candidate do you support for the upcoming presidential election?
MadgeVag: I plan on votin' for Hillary Clinton. I think it's high time America had a woman president. I like her universal healthcare, her stance on the Iraq war, and her proposed amendments to the Constitution to make men do all the chores and wear dresses and shit.
KenBlog: Ah yes, those were some controversial ideas. How do you think your status as an American woman has influenced your opinions?
MadgeVag: Well, as a woman, I tend to vote with my emotions, rather than with my intellect. You might have read that NY Times article the other day about how women are just stupidz. Well, its true, and sometimes we just have to go wherever our vages take us. Mine's pointing at Hills right now. If you'll excuse me, it's 5:00, I have to go home, get up on my high horse, and castrate my husband—an average hard-working American man.
KenBlog: Okay then. Thanks for the interview.
MadgeVag: Vag U Later!
Madge was gone, but I wasn't even close to being too drunk to interview. Next I met up with another of Pussydoodles' regular matrons, Andrea Fartenstein.
KenBlog: Andrea! It's been far too long!
AndFart: Do I know you?
KenBlog: Yeah, we met at that speed dating-slash-parole board hearing thing last year...I'm Kenny Blogginz! But more importantly, I'm writing all about the elusive VagVote—the phenomenon where women vote for a woman just because they're women. Who in the ever-loving fuck are you going to vote for?
AndFart: I'm actually going to vote for Barack Obama.
KenBlog: [sprays virgin colada out of mouth] But he doesn't have a vagina!
AndFart: Uh, DUH!
KenBlog: You are a lady right?
AndFart: Yes.
KenBlog: Well, then why in the poop are you supporting that cock of a penis?
AndFart: Well, it all started at one of his famous speeches. He came to speak at my high school, and I immediately fell in love. When he talked about ChangeTM, I swooned and then fainted.
KenBlog: What the—?
AndFart: Wait, there's more. Apparently Barack had seen me faint, because when I came to, he was kneeling above me, blowing cool, minty air onto my face and whispering 'Everything's going to be okay.' From that moment on, I knew that this man was the perfect choice for President of the United States. Because he made my pussy wet.
KenBlog: I interviewed Madge the Vag earlier, and she had a lot to say about voting with your vag. She, however, supported Hillary Clinton; how could two vages be so different?
AndFart: Oh, Madge. She's just too stubborn and grisly for her own good. Confidentially, some of us think she might be a lesbian. That would certainly explain her choice.
KenBlog: Of course! Thank you so much for your time. I've got a lot to go and contemplate, if you'll excuse me.
AndFart: Vag U Later!
KenBlog: Vag U 2, Vagstronaut!
Well Shakers, there you have it. Women only vote for Clinton because they're lesbians and want to have sex with her, or they vote for Obama because they're straight and want to have sex with him. Let's all pray that the Lord will work through their vages and elect the rightful King of America, John McCain. Because he's the only dick who can fuck everyone into oblivion.
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