"Thank you. Thank you for inviting me. It's been a little while since I've had the honor of addressing you, and I appreciate very much your courtesy to me today. We should do this more often.
I know I have a responsibility, if I am to continue as a contributor, to help unite everyone together under the Liberal banner. And I am Liberal. Just like you.
I am proud to be a Liberal and I make that claim because I share with basic Liberal beliefs. I believe we must be a society that cares for the poorest of citizens as we care for the richest. I believe that Health Care is a basic human right. To put it simply, I believe in everything you believe in, only I believe in it slightly more, which makes me someone who should be viewed as a leader. A Liberal leader. Liberal is, in fact, my middle name.
Now, I know that some of you in the past have taken offense to my statements on being a Druid, a Satanist and a Jesustologist. But I believe that my liberal beliefs show I am true Liberal. Like you.
I believe in gay rights, even though I have admitted in the past to not being gay, for the most part. I also believe in women's rights, even though I'm not a woman, for the most part, as well. Because I am a Liberal, like you. I am proud to say I was a foot soldier in the Roosevelt revolution. Again, for the most part.
Now, I understand that we will have disagreements even though we're all Liberal. My belief that we should shoot every third illegal immigrant has been met with skepticism by many, even though, according my best calculations, this plan would cause the number of illegal immigrants entering this nation to plummet to two. Or five. Worst-case scenario, eight. They'd get the message by then, according to calculations. It seemed like a brilliant strategy. Please, calm down. I'm Liberal, like you. Remember that.
Because these are just my opinions, and we all agree on 99 percent of things. And I will consult with Liberals such as yourself on any and every opinion I have, regardless of the consequences. Because I am a Liberal. Like you. And I want you to like me, as a Liberal like you.
Because in the end, that's what's import. To be a Liberal. To be a Liberal like you. To be accepted by Liberals like you and to lead Liberals like you when I'm not following Liberals like you. I will Liberally lay out my Liberalness in a Liberal way, every night and day.
In conclusion, I'd like to thank you all Liberally once again for giving me this amazing opportunity. All I ask is for your Liberal counsel and Liberal guidance during these trying times. Mostly, I want you to like me. Please, like me and accept me, as I work to be the best Liberal you want me to be, at any given moment.
I have now retained counsel to examine this matter and I will make no further comment."