Shaker V sent me the link to this Valentine's Day JC Penny ad in which men use jewelry like a hypnotist's pendant while uttering lines like:

• "Shiny, isn't it?"
• "You love how it looks. You think I'm the perfect man."
• "You are very happy with me right now."

Then at the end comes the text: "Today's the day everyone gets what they want."

Women get jewelry. Men get laid. Happy Valentine's Day.

Is there anything more beautiful than romance? My favorite part, aside from JC Penny's evident belief that women are magpie hookers, is how the price of this stunning jewelry is right in the advert, so men know exactly how much their girlfriend/wife-whores will cost them:

Ooh, shiny! Pretty sparkly thing make me moist in the naughty bits!

You know what? If I could be bought with jewelry, that tacky piece of shit wouldn't buy a bloke a handjob—and most of the women I know get turned on by dudez (or chickz) who treat them with kindness and respect. Save your money and offer her a long, languorous backrub.

[Assvertising: Parts One, Two, Three, Four, Five, Six, Seven, Eight, Nine, Ten, Eleven, Twelve, Thirteen, Fourteen, Fifteen, Sixteen, Seventeen, Eighteen, Nineteen.]

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