Attn: The Entire Scientific Community
To whom it may concern,
This morning, I was greeted the news that some scientists somewhere have found a way to make fruit flies bisexual, and then change them back to heterosexual. As the Director of the Fruit Fly Anti-Defamation League, I feel the time has come for fruit flies to draw a line in the sand. While I hold many scientists in high regard, let me make my point perfectly clear:
Stop fucking with our sexuality.
I mean, holy crap, what sort of fetish do you bastards have, anyway? It seems like every few years, some genius poindexter comes out with a report on the sexuality of fruit flies. In 1995 there was a report on the sexuality of fruit flies. And in 2005. In fact, the Internet is jam-packed with stories of people trying to break down these stories after scientists pump some crazy DNA in our asses (yeah, we have asses).
Well we've had enough. Sure, there will be plenty of folks trying to make a big deal about this study, but please remember one thing - we're fucking fruit flies. I mean, we live like a week. Honestly, I'm spending the best minutes of my life - which will likely be over by Friday - writing this to you.
So for God's sake, ease off a little, ok? We have enough problems in this short life. No one likes us. We aren't even allowed in most states. We have real issues that far exceed what you're trying to prove. And what the hell are you trying to prove, anyway? No matter what your study says, those on the Right (who will somehow find fault in every last thing science accomplishes outside of bomb-making) will interpret it as "Gay people are bad and can be cured" while those on the left will counter with "People on the right are bad and can't be cured."
We fruit flies can't help it that we have a diverse sexual biology. By nature, we're down for whatever. But we just want to be left in peace. So enough with the tests, ok? Try them out on wasps for awhile. They're a real pain in the ass.
In the meantime, however, could you just leave our tiny little penises and vaginas alone? Seriously, it's really getting annoying.
Thank you for your time on this matter,
Tephr I. Tidae
Director, Fruit Fly Anti-Defamation League