Explainer: What is a "Nice Guy®?"

What is a "Nice Guy?"

Ah, the Nice Guy®. Pity the Nice Guy®. No, please, pity him. He desperately wants you to. And while you're pitying him, would it kill you to give him a mercy fuck? Whether or not he ever asks for it? Because, if not, he's going to become an angry, embittered Nice Guy®, and that...well, that's just pathetic.

No, seriously.

All right. Seriously. A Nice Guy® is a guy who tells you, in a bitter, resentful tone, that women don't date "nice guys," they only date "bad boys," and because he's "too nice," women only view him as a friend.

What's wrong with that statement?

He's not a friend to women.

But don't women go for the bad boy?

Okay, I can see we're not going to get anywhere this way, so let's take a look at a typical Nice Guy® giving his natural mating cry, known to most people as a "loud, obnoxious whine." I think he does a great job of illustrating his own pathologies, far better than I can do:
I see this question posted with some regularity in the personals section, so I thought I'd take a minute to explain things to the ladies out there that haven't figured it out.

What happened to all the nice guys?

The answer is simple: you did.
As you can see, the Nice Guy®'s first target, in everything, is women. Usually it's a specific woman, but she's a stand-in for all women, as we'll see.
See, if you think back, really hard, you might vaguely remember a Platonic guy pal who always seemed to want to spend time with you. He'd tag along with you when you went shopping, stop by your place for a movie when you were lonely but didn't feel like going out, or even sit there and hold you while you sobbed and told him about how horribly the (other) guy that you were fucking treated you.

At the time, you probably joked with your girlfriends about how he was a little puppy dog, always following you around, trying to do things to get you to pay attention to him. They probably teased you because they thought he had a crush on you. Given that his behavior was, admittedly, a little pathetic, you vehemently denied having any romantic feelings for him, and buttressed your position by claiming that you were "just friends." Besides, he totally wasn't your type. I mean, he was a little too short, or too bald, or too fat, or too poor, or didn't know how to dress himself, or basically be or do any of the things that your tall, good-looking, fit, rich, stylish boyfriend at the time pulled off with such ease.
Now, read the two paragraphs above, and you realize a few things. First of all, that Nice Guy®, who was willing to be a friend to a woman? He wasn't nice, and he wasn't her friend. He was choosing to feign niceness in the hopes of getting sex.

Well, can't being nice lead to sex?

Being nice? Sure. But he was "nice." What that entails, as you see above, is that he hung around a woman, saying he was her friend, never telling her that he wanted to have a non-platonic relationship. He just expected she'd know that he wanted her because...well, why else would a guy hang out with a woman? And note that he claims she did, while giving no evidence she did.
Eventually, your Platonic buddy drifted away, as your relationship with the boyfriend got more serious and spending time with this other guy was, admittedly, a little weird, if you werent dating him. More time passed, and the boyfriend eventually cheated on you, or became boring, or you realized that the things that attracted you to him weren't the kinds of things that make for a good, long-term relationship. So, now, you're single again, and after having tried the bar scene for several months having only encountered players and douche bags, you wonder, "What happened to all the nice guys?"

Well, once again, you did.

You ignored the nice guy. You used him for emotional intimacy without reciprocating, in kind, with physical intimacy. You laughed at his consideration and resented his devotion. You valued the aloof boyfriend more than the attentive "just-a-" friend. Eventually, he took the hint and moved on with his life. [Emphasis mine]
I'm breaking that paragraph in two, because that statement deserves highlighting again. You used him for emotional intimacy without reciprocating, in kind, with physical intimacy. How clearer could the Nice Guy®'s antipathy toward this woman, and all women, be? Emotional intimacy, this says, is what women want. Physical intimacy is what men want. I gave, you should have given. Quid pro quo and all that.

Except...men and women both need both physical and emotional intimacy, as anyone with any understanding of humans knows. And the two do not always go hand-in-hand, as anyone with any understanding of humans knows. The Nice Guy® is hampered because all he knows about women comes from his reading of evolutionary psychology and his internalization of patriarchal ideals. And despite his long, enduring friendship with a woman that was so wonderful and giving, he never learned enough about her to find out more.
He probably came to realize, one day, that women aren't really attracted to guys who hold doors open; or make dinners just because; or buy you a Christmas gift that you mentioned, in passing, that you really wanted five months ago; or listen when you're upset; or hold you when you cry. He came to realize that, if he wanted a woman like you, he'd have to act more like the boyfriend that you had. He probably cleaned up his look, started making some money, and generally acted like more of an asshole than he ever wanted to be.
Oh, for the love of the Ceiling Cat.

That is pretty pathetic.

It's not just that. Look, I'm not proud of it, but I'm a recovering Nice Guy®. And I can tell you that there was a time when I sort of bought the nice guy/bad boy crap. But you know what? In real life, most of the "bad boys" are actually, well, nice guys. I'm willing to bet this woman's boyfriend did buy her presents and hold her when she cried and listen when she was upset. That's not to say he was perfect, because nobody is, and he may have even had some downright lousy traits. But that doesn't make him evil; it makes him human.

This is the ultimate failing of the Nice Guy®; he takes away the wrong message from not getting a date with His One True Love. The message he internalizes is that he's too nice. But the reality is that he never states his actual intentions.

There's no crime in being attracted to someone who started as a true platonic friend. But if you're actually a friend, you deal with that like an adult dealing with a friend. You tell them what you're feeling. Maybe you find out that they share your feelings. Maybe you find out they don't. Maybe you feel after that you can stay friends, and maybe you can't.

But if you never make your intentions clear, you can't complain that your One True Love didn't read your mind. If she views you as just a friend, she may think you view her that way too. After all, you say you're her friend, right?
Fact is, now, he's probably getting laid, and in a way, your ultimate rejection of him is to thank for that. And I'm sorry that it took the complete absence of "nice guys" in your life for you to realize that you missed them and wanted them. Most women will only have a handful of nice guys stumble into their lives, if that.
Dude, you're selling men short. Many, I daresay most, guys are nice. They're not perfect, and they've got their own issues, but they're not mean.

But Nice Guy® here? He's not part of that cohort. He's a jerk, a self-centered asshole. And if you doubt that, read his closing:
So, if you're looking for a nice guy, here's what you do:

1.) Build a time machine.
2.) Go back a few years and pull your head out of your ass.
3.) Take a look at what's right in front of you and grab ahold of it.

I suppose the other possibility is that you STILL don't really want a nice guy, but you feel the social pressure to at least appear to have matured beyond your infantile taste in men. In which case, you might be in luck, because the nice guy you claim to want has, in reality, shed his nice guy mantle and is out there looking to unleash his cynicism and resentment onto someone just like you.

If you were five years younger.

So, please: either stop misrepresenting what you want, or own up to the fact that you've fucked yourself over. You're getting older, after all. It's time to excise the bullshit and deal with reality. You didn't want a nice guy then, and he certainly doesn't fucking want you, now.
In short: he hates you now. He wouldn't fuck you with a ten-foot pole, and indeed, he's spending his time banging hot chicks, hotter than you.

How "nice."

You see, a Nice Guy® isn't nice, and never was. He wasn't your friend. He didn't even like you. He was just a guy trying to get in your pants.

Had he been your friend, really been your friend, he wouldn't hate you now. He would value the emotional connection you once shared, while occasionally lamenting that he didn't tell you how he felt when he had the chance. You see, the emotional connection you once shared would have value to him. But it didn't. He didn't care about you, and he wasn't a nice guy.

And the guy (or girl) you're dating now, the one who makes dinner at least half the time and likes to talk to you deep into the night? They're nice. So's your friend who comes over on Tuesdays to watch bad movies. They're not looking to get physical, and if they ever changed their mind, they'd let you know.

But Nice Guy®s don't think like that. Your nice s.o., your nice friends, they like you, and value you for you. The Nice Guy® views you as an object, interchangeable with any other woman out there. And that's all they ever did.

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