It's My Cake! I'm Having It! I'm Eating It, Too! The Cake is Mine! The Having and the Eating—Also Mine!

Not The Daily Show with Not Jon Stewart
On the Writers' Strike and Unbelievable Greed

A full transcript is below.

Jason Ross: Hello and welcome to what is obviously not The Daily Show. I'm obviously not Jon Stewart. I'm Jason Ross, one of the show's fourteen writers.

Our top story—really, our only story—is the ongoing writers' strike, which began last Monday after talks broke down between writers, seen here working slavishly for your entertainment, and media company CEOs, captured here in their natural habitat.

It's about whether writers should get paid when media companies make money using their work online. Writers think they should get paid. Corporations think the writers should go BLEEP! until their BLEEP! herpes in their nasal passages.

Uh, and I gotta say they have a point. I mean, this is the internet. It's not about money. Online, ya know, intrinsic worth is measured in things like number of tears shed over Britney Spears by a heartbreakingly gay teenager.


Ross: And while we're sad over this state of affairs, we're clearly not that sad.

Besides, media conglomerates say it's too soon to put a dollar value on internet content. They say it's a—what's that? Viacom is suing YouTube for a billion dollars for using its content online? A billion?! That can't be right. In fact, I, I, I can't even believe it! Unless there's some sort of Daily Show-style montage…?

[Bunch of people posing as various cable news talking heads confirming it's, yes, a billion dollars.]

Ross:You can't put our stuff out there for free. That's, uh, that's a catchy phrase. You mind if we use that? And don't pay you?

But is there anyone much older and more personally identified with Viacom who could help us make our case?

Sumner Redstone: Say hypothetically someone files such a lawsuit, would they expect money? They would expect the protection of their rights for the future, and they might expect a deal that reflected the value of their content.

Ross: Ha ha ha! It may seem Redstone's YouTube stance contradicts his stance with the writers, but it's really quite simple: When you're not paying him, you owe him a billion dollars. When he's not paying you, he's not paying you.

Besides, it's just so confusing, I mean, the value of internet content…it's really impossible when you think about it, I mean, it's—Oh, come on.

VO: Three months ago, Viacom CEO Philippe Domon (sp) told investors his digital properties, like, are worth half a billion a year in ad and download sales.

Ross: Half a billion dollars?! Pfft! Come on! To a pessimist, that's like half not a billion dollars, right?

…Rob Koetner wrote that joke.

Anyway, we've taken a page from Viacom's book and sold some ads right here. Huh? They're paying us a hundred bucks. And, just to be fair, we're going to send Viacom two dollars and fifty cents. After all, we are using their idea.

In other news, Pakistani President Pervez Musharref—

John Oliver: 'ELLO! I'm the president of Viacom! My name is John J. Viacom Jr. the Third. And I've come here to tell you to cease and desist! We own these jokes! And they're worth A BILLION DOLLARS!

Ross: Is that right?

Oliver: Indubitably!

Ross: Then can we have just a small percentage of that?

Oliver: No!

Ross: Why not?

Oliver: Because they're worthless!

Ross: Well, which is it? Are they worth a billion dollars, or worth nothing?

Oliver: Gah! [knocks over table; runs away]

Redstone: Getting paid is the name of the game.

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