The first rule of "Surprising Turn-Ons" columns is that said columns are always aimed at women. Men do get columns advising them on the opposite sex, but it's inevitably about how to get her to go on the first date. If it goes beyond that, it's about how to manipulate her into doing what you want her to do.
No, the relationship advice columns are always about how women need to change themselves in order to win a man. By the usual standards, this column by David Zinczenko is about average. That's not a complement, though. It starts as one might expect:
Ask a group of guys what turns them on about a woman, and you'll sometimes get the predictable answers: full lips, full bosom, full booty.My answer is, was, and always has been intelligence. I'm not saying that I have no appreciation for the female form. Just that the deeper stuff has always wowed me more.
Of course, as usual, I'm the freak.
These are a few quick-and-dirty biological imperatives that will turn many a man's head. But a lot of women fulfill those requirements already.And those that don't -- really, can't you just lock yourselves away so we don't have to suffer your averageness?
So what makes certain women boy magnets, and leaves others spending Saturday nights watching Saturday Night Live skits?Le sigh.
Okay, to be fair to Zinczenko, he does include some actual not-horrible things, like "Standing Tall" and "True Grit" and "Software Savvy," a few to-be-expected things like "Sexy Shampoo" and "Understated Underwear," the tired-and-true advice that it's okay to get dirty once in a while, and the completely random suggestion to wear a baseball cap.
And then he closes out strong, with this last bit of advice:
A Few "Duh" Momentsheaddesk
Men like smart women (see "software savvy," above). But there's a small part of a man's brain that wants her to have an occasional dollop of ditziness. Why? Because if she can show that she may not know everything, it reinforces something deep inside a man that he's needed, that he's trusted, that he can be there to help.
And it says that when we screw up on occasion (and we will, oh yes, we will), she'll understand. Hypercompetence is something we just can't compete with. And ultimately, this game isn't about competition, it's about crossing the finish line together.
Okay, so to sum up: women are supposed to be smart, except when they're supposed to be dumb. They're supposed to be willing to get dirty, but go clean up quickly with sweet-smelling shampoo. They're supposed to be tough under fire, but ditzy when they aren't.
In short, women are supposed to be...well, something other than who they are. What exactly? Dunno. It's a mishmash of contradictory information.
That, of course, is the point of all of these advice columns -- to convince women that they need to bend themselves to the whims of whichever guy they're trying to attract. To convince them that they can't get him by being who they are.
The truth is that no set of advice is going to give you the key to attract and keep any man you want, just like no piece of advice could give me the tools to attract and keep any woman I wanted. Men and women are unique individuals, each of us with our own desires and goals and personalities.
You want to know how to attract the right guy and/or girl? I'll give you a bit of advice. It's free, and I've learned it the hard way. Ready?
Be Yourself
And don't be anyone other than you. Be smart when you're smart, be ditzy when you're ditzy, like what you like, don't pretend to like things you dislike. When something bothers you, say so. When you like something, say so. And if the person you're with disagrees, take it in stride, and disagree right back.
Guess what? You're not going to attract just any guy or girl this way. Some you'll scare away, because they don't want to deal with a person like you. But guess what? If you pretend to be someone you're not in order to attract them, they weren't attracted to you in the first place; they were attracted to a vision of you that you helped create.
But there will be a guy or girl who finds you attractive, who likes your flaws as well as your strengths, who doesn't always see eye-to-eye with you, but finds that more interesting that unanimity anyway. And you feel the same way about them. That person? They're the right person for you. The others may be right for someone else, indeed, you may even have been able to roleplay the person they'd find right for them. But they won't be truly right for you, and some day, you'll realize and they'll realize that they never were.
Any advice that wants you to be someone you aren't is doomed to failure. We can all aspire to be more than we are -- that's human nature. But aspiring to be other than we are just to snag some guy or girl? That may be human nature too, but it's also insanely stupid.
H/T MediaBloodhound.
