"Everybody knows when the sexual arousal reaches a certain point, the person goes insane!"

In honor of the blossoming scandal currently gripping Oral Roberts University, which blooms more brightly every day, here's some vintage Oral Roberts (via Petulant) pontificating on the finer points of "Christian Copulation," in one of his many regularly-taped sermons. (You can get him reading the entire New Testament on eBay, for example, if you're interested!)

Some of the things you'll learn in this video are: that there is only place in our bodies that "create multiplication" (my vagina is so getting called "the abacus" from now on), that women not marrying men and putting out makes men gay, that barbed war is to a bull as a lack of consent is to a man, that anus is pronounced ah-noose (who knew Oral and Borat had no much in common?), that poop causes AIDS, and that, despite his inability to utter the word penis, Oral Roberts is evidently a pansexual freak.

Because I don't want my Shaker Deafies, or those who can't watch at work or wev, to miss a word of this brilliance, I transcribed the whole thing (below). Enjoy!

We men want to take a woman in our arms, and a girl wants to take a man in her arms, and, pretty soon, we want to take 'em to bed with us! Go on—go over there and touch it! Put your arms around her. Put your hand on her breast. See how far you can take your hand. See how far she'll let you go. Go ahead, girl—touch him at the most sensitive part of his body.

There is one place in the woman's body and one place in the man's body that creates multiplication. There're not two, there're not three, there're not four places, there're not ten places—there is one place, in the woman's vagina and the man's male organ. There's only one place in the woman's body where the male organ was designed to penetrate—the vagina!

Only one organ made to bring forth life—it's the male organ. It's not in lesbianism for the tongue of a female goes into the vagina of another female. It's not in the male where the male organ goes into the part of the, of the body where the, the waste matter comes out of the body, the poison, and he penetrates that part of the body in homosexuality. It's not to be put into the mouth of the man, or the mouth of the man or the woman on the male organ! It is the male organ penetrating the vagina of the woman—the male and the female!

He says look at the orifices of the body, the openings in the body. Certainly you can't put it, put the male organ or the tongue in the eye. Maybe touch the ear. Certainly not in the orifices of the nose, or the navel. But there are a couple of three other places. There's the mouth. There's the anus, where the poisons of the body are excreted, you can put it there. They didn't know how to handle it! There was a FIRE that rose up in them; they didn't know how to CONTAIN, and everybody KNOWS when the sexual arousal reaches a certain point, the person goes INSANE!

A bull after a cow in the heat, if he cannot reach the cow, and there's a barbed wire fence between them, will go through the barbed wire and cut himself to pieces in order to impregnate that cow! I, I, I's raised on a farm. I SAW it. Men and women go WILD—and then when it's perverted, and when it comes homosexuality, it's not only WILD, it is INSANE! And the heat becomes so intense, the sexual heat becomes so INTENSE, the male organ doesn't want the vagina of the woman, but to turn that person over and to enter into the rear where the poison comes out, and it keeps coming out until they develop AIDS with no immunity against disease, and they D-I-E, they die!

[exasperated sigh] God made the female breasts, young man—what's wrong with you handling it, fondling it? Oh, sure, you're married to this girl, you're married to this man, but awww, come on now, let's have a good time. Somebody go get a six pack. Bring in some bourbon. Uhhh, pick up the phone and send in a couple call girls. I go to church, too, but, uh, you know, it didn't make me queer. Well, I wouldn't buy that 100%. [aside] Um, please erase that from the tape, uh, I didn't—let's edit that out, will ya?

[clears throat] The only way you ever become one flesh is when the male organ penetrates the woman's vagina. The only place, the only organs that can come together in completeness is the male organ and the vagina of the woman and they become one—and if you interrupt that in any way, you become adulterous, or a fornicator, or a homosexual. And you introduce a foreign subject; you've adulterated. And if in your SEXUALITY you're outside of marriage with it, and you do anything with marriage outside of the male organ penetrating the vagina, you're outside creation.

Don't have to wait to get married to have intercourse. You don't have to have sexual relations only with your wife or your husband. You can go outside and you can get it all. You don't have to use only the male organ or the vagina of the woman; you can use your tongue, you can use other things, you can use other orifices of the body; you can pervert it—you can pervert EVERYTHING! Man, I got a quick fix. I can gitcha there NOW. I can satisfy you—I can set you, your impulses on FIRE. I can make your senses VIBRATE. I can let ya lay hands on everything that came in the world to get delivered to you now. Now, folks, that tastes good, that feels good; I can't tell ya how good that feels and how good that tastes…

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