Absolutely, 100% Not Guilty

So O.J. Simpson has been arrested on charges of armed robbery. But he claims that it's okay, because he was just stealing back stuff that had been stolen from him.

Really? That's your defense, O.J.? I mean, I know that you're used to getting off after being obviously guilty, so I suppose you figure it doesn't matter what you'll say, if it was your stuff once, they'll only convict if they're...uh...a dunce. Yeah, that's it.

But still, this is pretty weak, O.J. I mean, look, just between you, me, and the rosebush you're not the most sympathetic character. You're arrogant, annoying, creepy, and then there was that time you brutally murdered your wife and a random passerby. And you sort of got off free and clear in the trial of last century, meaning that 85 percent of all people are ready and willing to convict you for anything and everything. I rather imagine a jury trial going like this:

JUDGE: Has the jury reached a verdict?

JURY FOREPERSON: We have, your honor. We find O.J. Simpson guilty of armed robbery, and sentence him to death.

JUDGE: Uh...death isn't actually a sentence in this case.

JURY FOREPERSON: Well, can't we make an exception in this case? I mean, it is O.J. Simpson.

JUDGE: You have a point.

Anyhow, O.J., I'm just suggesting that I can understand that the police might not have been super-helpful to you in this case, just because you accused the entire L.A. police department of creating, within a few hours while at the crime scene, an elaborate secret scheme to frame you because...uh...look, Chewbacca! But still, resorting to armed robbery to steal back stuff that may or may not be yours is not exactly what you'd call legal. Also, not for nothing, but Johnnie Cochran is dead.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that you're screwed, O.J., unless you can somehow show that the Las Vegas police department came up with a secret scheme to frame you for armed robbery because...uh...look, Yoda! It sounds crazy, but so does an obviously guilty guy getting off on capital murder charges.

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