Dear President Bush: How can I make money when you start slaughtering Iranians?

President George W. Bush
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW
Washington, DC 20500

Dear President George W. Bush,

Having seen how many people got wildly rich during the invasion of, and occupation of Iraq, I was hoping I could get involved in a little of the action when the bombs start dropping on Iran.

Mr. President, it has been blindingly obvious to me for some time that you will not leave office without attacking Iran. You are a man of vision, and that vision has seen the smoldering ruins of the entire Middle East and the world economy. And those visions will be coming true sooner, rather than later and the upcoming PR campaign will be intense.

As you well know, Mr. President, public relations is a vital part of getting a war going, and keeping it going. It takes a lot of fancy words to confuse the masses into becoming willful murderers, after all.

This is where I believe I can help. I can help make this unprovoked war fun. I can make obliterated Iranian babies seem cool. For a price, mind you. But several million dollars seems a small price to pay to keep me from wandering around, writing things like "unprovoked war" and "obliterated Iranian babies."

Sure, I have liberal viewpoints, and I completely understand that you only work with those that share your strict ideology. But, come on, the majority of your base are facing lewd misconduct charges, at the very least. So they're tied up right now, and not the way they like it.

Plus, it's not like I'm married to liberalism or anything. I'm still a capitalist, and as your Presidency has proven, the only thing that defines America any longer is capitalism. Mostly, though, a guy's gotta eat and feed his family. So when I see folks like Scott Custer and Mike Battles getting massive government contracts for doing absolutely nothing, I think to myself "Wow, they must be eating really good."

So let's talk about what I can give you, as you begin the process of killing thousands and thousands of Iranians, while making the U.S. the most hated nation on the planet, times two. Help will be needed, and I'm here for you.

Humor is an important part of getting public support, and let's face it, Mr. President; left to your own devices, you end up making jokes about hunting for WMDs that just end up pissing everyone off. That's not humor. That's instigating the masses.

Now, being that you'll undoubtedly be taking advantage of the U.S. nuclear arsenal in your planned destruction of Iran (hell, why have them if they're just going to sit there), why not focus on the inherent humor of radiation poisoning? So how about this joke: "It'll be much easier for us to capture Mahmoud Ahmadinejad than it was to get Saddam. After all, Ahmadinejad will be glowing."

Huh? How's that? See, I can make nuclear carnage funny, if need be. And you can have that one, free-of-charge. Consider it a sign of good faith.

There must be other ways I can help, as well, though apparently, to receive government contracts, often doing nothing is all that's required. And I can do that, too.

In closing, Mr. President, I am a realist. And I realize, beyond a shadow of a doubt that you plan on pulverizing Iran before you leave office, and likely the country. I mean, you have about 1,200 Kagens working around the clock to sell this thing. And it's quite likely William Kristol is busily cloning himself and preparing airplanes to carpet bomb the U.S. with editions of The Weekly Standard to bamboozle 35 percent of the country into thinking that slaughtering Iranians is a wise idea.

It's going to happen. So I can either ball up my fists and impotently whine about it, or I can make a few bucks. Who knows where this attack on Iran will lead the U.S., so it's important I look out for myself on this one. After all, I didn't raise a fuss at all when you decided to start killing Iraqis, so I already have blood on my hands for that. May as well stuff some cash into those blood-soaked hands, eh?

Mr. President, in today's world, caring about human life is a sure way to stay broke, as you and your team have made abundantly clear. While I know you sleep like a baby regardless, my sleep will continue to be haunted knowing I come from a country that has gone completely insane with blood lust and dreams of total world domination. At least with a fat government contract for, well, whatever, I can toss and turn in a much nicer bed.

Mr. President, you are going to attack Iran. This much is absolutely, completely clear to anyone who actually looks. And as the saying goes, if I'm not part of the solution, I'm part of the problem. And if I'm going to be part of this problem, I may as well get paid some blood money just like everyone else from the Vice-President on down.

Or at very least, you know, make sure gas doesn't get too expensive. I'm American, after all. I'll sell out and let you kill whoever you like for whatever reason for a cheap tank full of gas, as well.

Best regards and I await your reply,

William K. Wolfrum


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