Episode 76: "Banger? I don't even know 'er."
Story and Graphics by: Shakespeare's Sister
When last we left our fearless Superbloggers, The Pink Petulance had just rescued Dr. Zero from the evil clutches of Jabba the Raymond, who had caught Zero infiltrating Nal Exxon in search of evidence against Darth Cheney.
"What happened to you, anyway?" Dr. Zero asked. "I thought you were right behind me."
"I was until some dirty little droid started playing grabass with me, and I turned to junk him," said The Pink Petulance. "When I turned back around, you were gone."
"Well, thanks for coming back for me!" said Dr. Zero. "What happened with that droid, anyway?"
"Where do you think the new Spudmobile Icemaker came from?" said The Pink Petulance. "Pour me a supermartini, Zero."
Just as the superbloggers arrived at the Fortress of Snarkitude, the Superphone started to ring.
"Could you be a dear?" said Dr. Zero. "I’m refreshing our drinkies."
The Pink Petulance grabbed the phone. "You have reached Superheadquarters. The Superbloggers can't come to the phone right now, so please leave a message after the beep."
Three seconds of silence passed.
"The Pink Petulance? Dr. Zero? Are you there? Hello? Is this a recording? What the hell…?"
Yes, it was SuperKos, calling our Superblogger heroes to give them their Superblogger orders, which they would follow without question, as all Superbloggers do.
"Beep," said The Pink Petulance.
"Dagnabbit, Pink Petulance!" yelled SuperKos.
The Pink Petulance snickered. "Whuzzup, SuperKos?" Dr. Zero arrived with drinks. "Wait, hold on—I'm putting you on superspeaker… Okay, go."
"I'm afraid there's serious trouble afoot in Queerovia," SuperKos said. "I'd take care of it myself, but, well, since you two spend so much time there already—"
"Just give it to us straight," barked Dr. Zero, winking at The Pink Petulance. She snorted supermartini out her nose.
"A rogue homonaut has been captured and reprogrammed by the League of Bigotude," explained SuperKos. "You've got to find The Donnietron 6000 immediately and destroy him before he enters the region and begins to destroy everything in his path with ear-piercing, gay-hating Christ Rock."
"We're on it!" said The Pink Petulance.
"Over and ou—" Dr. Zero cut himself off and grinned devilishly.
Three seconds of silence passed.
"Dr. Zero?" SuperKos asked. "Pink Petulance? You still there? Hello?"
"Beep," said The Pink Petulance.
"I hate you guys." SuperKos slammed down the phone.
"To the Spudmobile!" Dr. Zero exclaimed.
Waiting at the glowing pink gates of Queerovia, the Donnietron 6000 met the Superbloggers upon their arrival. "I knew you'd be sent for me," he said.
"We should have snuck 'round the back way," Dr. Zero muttered.
"To enter Queerovia, there's no backdoor," the Donnietron 6000 said.
"Uh, yes there is!" Dr. Zero laughed. He turned to The Pink Petulance, who was snorting supermartini out her nose again. "No backdoor to Queerovia!" The Superbloggers howled with laughter.
"I meant… I meant… no backdoor to enter Heterostan!" the Donnietron 6000 stuttered.
"Uh, yes there is!" The Pink Petulance snorted. She waggled her fat, fuzzy, pink arse at the Donnietron 6000.
"Pink Petulance, I never noticed how much your butt looked like two Planet Limpwrists stuck together," Dr. Zero said.
"Uncanny, isn't it?" said The Pink Petulance. "But nevermind that!" She turned back to the Donnietron 6000. "So, you loathsome erstwhile homonaut—are we going to do this the easy way, or the hard way?"
"What's the easy way?" the Donnietron 6000 asked.
"You hand over the guitar voluntarily—" Dr. Zero started.
"—and we take you in for deprogramming," added The Pink Petulance. "A little Madonna, Project Runway—"
"—and jerking off to International Male, and you'll be good as new," finished Dr. Zero.
The Donnietron 6000 blanched. "I guess it's gonna have to be the hard way."
Dr. Zero and The Pink Petulance snickered.
"Fine!" said The Pink Petulance, regaining her composure. "Get your group Evening Service ready. It's going to be a Battle of the Bands."
The Donnietron 6000 took the stage with Evening Service, to perform their classic, "The Bible Says." "Righteous man, get on your knees; there lies no virtue in sodomy!" sang The Donnietron 6000.
Dr. Zero and The Pink Petulance began to giggle. "Yeah, righteous man—get on your knees!" Dr. Zero chortled.
"You filthy sinners should just let me be…'cause Jesus my savior’s the only man for me!" belted The Donnietron 6000.
"Famous last Ted Haggards—I mean, words," said The Pink Petulance.
"God hates a fag! God hates a fag!" The Donnietron 6000 warbled endlessly, glaring at the Superbloggers, desperate to render them powerless with his excruciatingly silly hate anthem. The Pink Petulance and Dr. Zero just stared at him, slack-jawed and bored, neither possessing the merest trace of the self-loathing required for The Donnietron 6000's second-hand programming to take hold. "God hates a fag! God hates a fag!"
Finally, Dr. Zero had had enough, and unplugged Evening Service's mics and amps. "You're done, chumps. Now it's our turn."
"Get ready to have your pussies rocked, bitchez!" said The Pink Petulance, taking her place at the mini-moog.
Dr. Zero slung his accordion over his shoulder. "We are Feminazi Cooter—and we're here to destroy you."
Feminazi Cooter launched into "Birdhouse in Your Soul," the first song in what was to be a magnificent set of the Greatest Shit Evah Written—but by the time The Pink Petulance was crooning "There's a picture opposite me of my primitive ancestry, which stood on rocky shores and kept the beaches shipwreck free," gays, lesbians, bisexuals, transfolk, drag kings, drag queens, gender-benders, straight allies, and queers of every shade, tint, and description were marching out of the pink gate of Queerovia, waving their freak flags and singing along.
"Got room for one more?"
The Pink Petulance turned to see her bloggrrl Pam Spaulding, donning a Feminazi Cooter t-shirt and hauling a drum kit. "Fucking right we do!" said The Pink Petulance. Pam joined the Superbloggers onstage, instantly making them even hotter.
The Donnietron 6000 was powerless against the onslaught of brazen pride and self-satisfaction. "I'm helpless against your unabashed rejection of Christofascism!" the hapless homonaut cried.
"You've got two choices, Donnietron," said Dr. Zero. "You can either head for The Manhole Club, heart of Queerovia, for reprogramming and drinkies, or The Pink Petulance and I will take you to Closet Confinement for a sentence to be determined by the Ninth Circuit Court—and you know how those activist bitchez love the gays. So what's it gonna be?"
"It's your call," said The Pink Petulance—and the Superbloggers waited while The Donnietron 6000 considered his options…
"I think The Donnietron 6000 will be real happy at Manhole," said The Pink Petulance.
"Me, too," agreed Dr. Zero. "Manny Manhole's the best deprogrammer in the biz."
"Totally. With a little luck and a lotta lube, we've seen the last of him!"
"Ho ho ho!" they laughed.
Tune in next time, true believers, when Dr. Zero and The Pink Petulance take on THE TANCREDO TORNADO!!!
(Previous adventures: Chapter One, Chapter Two, Chapter Three.)