Round and Round We Go

Scotland’s national government has launched a campaign against rounds:

[T]he round is under threat from Scottish lawmakers who believe the custom feeds into Scotland's notorious alcohol problems by creating enormous social pressure on pub-goers to take their turn buying drinks.

…From the most glamorous bars to seedy spit-and-sawdust pubs, drinking alcohol is a Scottish pastime that ranks in importance alongside soccer, history, politics and meat pies.

And slagging ooff the English, mate!

The campaign includes telly adverts, movie theater adverts, billboards, etc. designed to undermine the tradition, which is being blamed for Scotland’s “notorious alcohol problems” and the fastest growing number of alcohol-related deaths in Europe.


Now, mind you, there’s undoubtedly some sense behind starting a discussion about Scotland’s drinking culture, considering the numbers on alcohol-related disease, but the focus on rounds specifically is a bit bizarre. Rounds are a huge part of drinking with Scots (even more so than with the English, in my experience), but in and of themselves, they’re not really the issue. The general drinking culture is surely a bigger factor. Of course, Scotland’s economy is built around that culture, so, in the end, picking on rounds is really a half-hearted attempt to address the problem without really addressing the problem. And the stoic Scots, of course, will regard it as the useless poppycock that it is and buy another round.

Nonetheless, kudos to whomever was feeding the AP their info for this story for trying to turn rounds into nothing short of a clandestine ritual in a nefarious ancient cult:

The ritual of the round ranks among the worlds most hazardous etiquette exchanges and can be as fraught as a first business meeting in Japan or courting Sicilian style.

Each round must be honored and reciprocated as a symbol of bonhomie, generosity and swagger.

The rules are simple:

— If you accept a drink you must also buy a round. (But if you are celebrating your birthday, or a new baby, you are exempted.)

Tell me again how if it’s your birthday, you don’t have to buy a round. These rules are so…mysterious.

— Each offer of a round must be accepted and reciprocated with drinks of equal value. Never offer a beer to someone who has just bought a bottle of champagne.

— If you have had enough to drink, you can quit, but you must make sure you have honored the round by buying everyone a drink.

Which people do all the time, proving how idiotic this campaign is, but whatever. Continue with the elaborate rounds rules, before I lose track of their perplexing intricacy.

— Not to buy a round is a great insult and round dodgers gain reputations as mean and untrustworthy. They usually are not invited out again.

Actually, I believe having one mate who always manages to be in “the bog” when it’s his turn to buy a round is as time-honored a tradition as rounds themselves. He doesn't get disinvited, or there'd be no one to loudly and drunkenly harass for being a wanker.

In mere weeks, Mr. Shakes' best mate MWS and his girlfriend will arrive for a stay, two of the loveliest people you could ever hope to have as houseguests. We’ll go out on the beers, as they say in Scotland, and I’ll be the designated driver, as I always am, since I’m not much of a drinker. And I’ll buy my round with pleasure.