State of Disappointment, Redux

Let’s take a look at last year’s SOTU wrap-up:

Freedom around the world! And end to tyranny! Liberty and justice for all! Not so fast, faggots...
This year: We dream of a time when every American is rich in hope and equal in opportunity. Not so fast, faggots…

How can a speech riddled with references to freedom and equality contain a call for a federal marriage amendment denying rights to a sizable portion of the American public? Or a demand to make tax cuts favoring the wealthiest permanent?
This year: How can a speech riddled with references to freedom and equality contain a call for a federal marriage amendment denying rights to a sizable portion of the American public? Or a demand to make tax cuts favoring the wealthiest permanent?

And what was with the Dems' rebuttal? Fucking hell, could Harry Reid have been a bigger snoozefest?! I kept expecting him to put on a cardigan and some sneakers and break into "It's a Wonderful Day in the Neighborhood."
This Year: I miss Harry Reid. He was quite the spitfire last year, wasn’t he?

Every year, Bush likes to deliver the SOTU like he hasn’t been president for years already. It’s just another campaign speech—and the Dems’ respond with a campaign speech of their own, instead of starting out, as they rightly should with, “You might have noticed the president made lots of promises to do things for Americans, but those are things he and his Republican majority have every opportunity to do for you every day and choose not to. But he can’t talk about the real state of our union, because we face a lot of problems, and many of them are of his making.”

Be an opposition party. Please.

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Question of the Day

On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being uninspiring but not offensive, and 10 being a disaster of catastrophic proportions, how bad a speaker is Tim Kaine?

On his own, I'd probably give him a 7. Coupled with the endless murmuring of the heavy-handed and crass "There's a better way" mantra, I give it an easy 9.5. The only thing that could have made that speech worse is if his dick had fallen out of his pants to reveal it was emblazoned with a tattoo of Calvin peeing on The New Deal.

Actually, upon consideration, that might have improved the speech.

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SOTU Thread

Mr. Shakes and I are going to be sitting here watching the SOTU on C-SPAN, and at least one of us both of us will be drinking heavily. Consider this an open thread for discussion...and we'll join in with observations, comments, snark, gentle weeping, or whatever else strikes us.

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Breaking News: Cindy Sheehan, who was invited to the SOTU, has been arrested.

Old News: Denny Hastert is a fat pot of shit.

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Mr. Shakes wants to know "when this long piece of Texas shite will start talking."

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Here come da cowboy!

Mr. Shakes is singing, "God Save the King."

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Heh heh. Jesus was flying!

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OH NO HE ISN'T USING CORETTA SCOTT KING TO OPEN HIS SPEECH! ARGH!!!

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SPIRIT OF GOOD WILL AND RESPECT?! What planet is he on???

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"We seek the end of tyanny in our world. Some think this idea is misguided idealism." And some of us just think it's FUCKING IRONIC.

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First 9/11 reference. Everyone have a drink!

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I'll hang out in comments from here on out. I need to drink more. This speech blows.

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Eliminate the Ninnies and the Twits


I'm not doing a cross-post, as I don't think this is really on-topic over here in the land of the Bard... but several Shakers e-mailed a link to me about the upcoming Disney/DEVO team-up, and I've posted about it. If you're interested, come on over to Spudville and see why I'm okay with all this.

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Yummy

A Wakefield man lost his appetite when he found "dog shit" listed among the ingredients on a packet of ham.

Mick Woods, 34, examined another of the 300g containers and saw the same 'additive' listed on the label.

And he admitted: "Obviously I haven't eaten it. It sort of puts you off."

His partner Tracey, 28, bought the 99p packs of cooked, sliced ham from a store near their home.

The dad-of-three added: "We spent 40 minutes laughing. But we haven't put any in the kids' sandwiches and we had something else for our tea."

Manufacturer H R Hargreaves & Son said it axed an employee over the labeling prank and was trying to recall the ham.

A spokesman for the Manchester firm said: "We can't have people fooling about with food products. A number of packs are affected. We're trying to find out what shops they're in." (link)
Too bad about the recall. I want me some dog shit ham!

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Glasgow Walkway

My Londoner Andy just forwarded me some pictures he took recently, and among them was this picture of a walkway in Glasgow, which was so lovely I thought I’d post it. He titled it “Bleak Metro Walkway,” but it doesn’t strike me as bleak. It seems beckoning, and I like the way it starts to curve, so you’re just not sure what’s ahead.

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SOTU Prep

President Bush studies and prepares for his State of the Union speech in the Oval Office, January 31, 2006. (Eric Draper-The White House/Handout/Reuters)

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Actual Headline

Bush to Say ‘America Is Addicted to Oil’ in Talk. Wow, who clued him in on that fucking newsflash? Time to start praying to Jesus, I guess. Since he helped Bush kick his addiction, maybe he can help America kick ours.

Not a headline: Bush to Admit He is America’s Biggest Enabler.

Give it to me, stud.

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“Excuse me, Mr. Gonzales, but I do believe your pants are on fire.”

Remember when it would have mattered that our Attorney General is a big, stinking liar? Yeah, those were the days.

In a letter to the attorney general yesterday, [Sen. Russell Feingold (D-Wis.)] demanded to know why Gonzales dismissed the senator's question about warrantless eavesdropping as a "hypothetical situation" during a Senate Judiciary Committee hearing in January 2005. At the hearing, Feingold asked Gonzales where the president's authority ends and whether Gonzales believed the president could, for example, act in contravention of existing criminal laws and spy on U.S. citizens without a warrant.

Gonzales said that it was impossible to answer such a hypothetical question but that it was "not the policy or the agenda of this president" to authorize actions that conflict with existing law. He added that he would hope to alert Congress if the president ever chose to authorize warrantless surveillance, according to a transcript of the hearing.

In fact, the president did secretly authorize the National Security Agency to begin warrantless monitoring of calls and e-mails between the United States and other nations soon after the Sept. 11, 2001, terrorist attacks. The program, publicly revealed in media reports last month, was unknown to Feingold and his staff at the time Feingold questioned Gonzales, according to a staff member. Feingold's aides developed the 2005 questions based on privacy advocates' concerns about broad interpretations of executive power.

Gonzales was White House counsel at the time the program began and has since acknowledged his role in affirming the president's authority to launch the surveillance effort.
Hmm. Lying under oath, eh? Didn’t we impeach a president for that once upon a time…?

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Drinkies

Fiat Lux points out in comments that since it’s too early to drink, Digby is coffeeblogging—spending some time at Dave Johnson’s new blog, Smelling the Coffee.

I don’t drink coffee, though, so instead, I’m soliciting everyone’s favorite drink recipes. By the time it is late enough to drink (and facing the SOTU), we should have a nice list!

I always drink amaretto on the rocks, but since that doesn’t make for much of a recipe, I’ll share one I read recently that I’ve been dying to try, being a lover of all things lime:



Key Lime Pie Martini


INGREDIENTS:
2 oz Vanilla Vodka
1 oz Lime Juice
1 oz Half and Half cream

DIRECTIONS:
Shake with ice and strain into a chilled martini glass. Serve with a lime twist.

Yum.

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Reason #54 I Won't Be Watching the SOTU Tonight

The applause! The cacophanous clapping! After every sentence! It's a waste of time! According to the Washington Post, the address is "timed at less than 40 minutes in practice sessions without interruptions for applause." So with applause it's what, an hour? It's like why Everybody Loves Raymond is so obnoxious- one of the reasons, at least- the laugh track is turned up too loud. So that's #54. If I wanted to watch a bunch of wheezy sixtysomethings congratulate each other for being wonderful I'd...join a fucking rotary club, I don't know.

We won't be watching the SOTU either!
Yeah, we'll be too busy berating each other!
Because when people are mean, it's funny!
Comedy's not complicated at all!

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Blood Pressure: Through the Roof

Political Wire’s Quote of the Day:

"Any time they are yelling, preaching, lecturing, and you are cool and calm and breathing deep, you are winning. What that means on television sets where the American people are watching this is, you look good and they look bad. It was the central operating premise."

-- An "administration official," quoted by the New York Times, in comments to Supreme Court nominee Samuel Alito on their strategy to get him confirmed by the Senate.
Seriously, I feel like giving up. (I won’t, but I damn well feel like it!) Try to play fair against the GOP, and you lose. Try to be reasonable, you lose. Try to be passionate, you lose. You can’t beat them, because they’re lousy, lying cheats who have bought the media.

And if it was just about bad policies that could be undone when the pendulum eventually swings back the other way, I wouldn’t care so much. But everything they’re doing is designed to stop the pendulum. Irrevocably undermine our democracy. Permanently destroy checks and balances. Forever fix the scale so it favors them. Smash the bloody pendulum to eensy, weensy bits so it never swings anywhere again.

They totally suck.

Every time I tell myself that there’s still time for Democrats to win some important elections and stop this train o’ disaster, a little voice in another part of brain insists on squeaking, “Do we even have fair elections anymore?”

I feel really disheartened today. I almost can’t think of something more tragic and unfair than losing Rosa Parks right as Alito was nominated and then losing Coretta Scott King on the day he was confirmed. The symbolism of the deaths of two of our most brilliantly shining beacons of justice and equality and genuine progressive vales bookending that piece of shit’s ascension to the Supreme Court is nearly too much for me to bear. It’s tough not to succumb to the notion that we’re at the end of an era, and that all the crap that we’ve seen thus far is only the beginning of something the true ugliness of which we’ve yet to comprehend.

I’m sure I’ll feel more hopeful later; I usually do. But right now I just feel like smashed shit.

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Oscar Nominations

Brokeback Mountain received 8 nominations, including Best Picture, Best Director (Ang Lee), Best Actor in a Leading Role (Heath Ledger), Best Actor in a Supporting Role (Jake Gyllenhall), Best Actress in a Supporting Role (Michelle Williams), and Best Cinematography.

The other Best Picture nominees are Capote, Good Night and Good Luck, Munich, and Crash. (I’m really excited that Crash was nominated. I loved it, but thought it came out too early in the year and would be forgotten.)

The full list of nominees is here.

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Dirty State of the Union Preview

You know you like your SOTU previews dirty.


Boom! I got your boyfriend;
I got your man.

Filthy, foxy, and very dirrrrrty Rob the Dirty Liberal offers up his SOTU preview, Let's all ride magical hydrogen ponies in the land of Gumdrop Rainbows. In response to the widely reported news that Bush will focus his address on US energy policy, Rob begins:
Am I the only one who finds this hilarious, in a severely depressing way? President Douchebag, the failed Texas oil businessman and the best friend a Saudi oil king could ever want, is telling us that he has figured out how to fix U.S. energy policy.

Here are a few real solutions to help the U.S. break its dependency on Foreign Oil...

~ Force the big car companies to produce more hybrid vehicles through forced quotas and incentives.

~ Make large scale investments into mass transit systems in the largest cities in America. How about using that $50 billion we are wasting on missile defense?

~ Introduce a large gas tax (50 cents per gallon) to force a reduction in demand. Use that money to invest in mass transit, road maintenance and alternative fuels.

Guess how many of these Bush will mention in his speech? If you guessed zero, then you win the prize.
But there's no prize. Now that's dirty.

Personally, living in small-town BFE (all you need to know is that the Official Town Flower is corn and the Official Town Haircut is mullet), I'd rather see some public transit being built out my way. One of the things I most miss about living in Chicago, where I lived for a decade, aside from little things like culture and Democrats, is being able to walk to the corner store for small purchases, like a gallon of milk. Now, every time I run out of something or if, you know, I ever get a craving for beef jerky or a mini-flashlight keychain, I have to get in the bloody car and drive somewhere. Nothing is within walking distance. Driving is the only way to get anything done, not to mention just get from here to there. And here and there are where all the Hummers are.

Yes, I know it's a pipe dream. But as long as our president is hanging out in the land of Gumdrop Rainbows, I might as well imagine myself with a public bus system. It's not as glamorous as the white Pegasus about which I dreamed as a little girl, but I'm old and boring now. And I have to pay for gas.

(Crossposted at AlterNet PEEK.)

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Dems Strut Their Stuff in Blogland

New Jersey (and Blue Jersey) blogger DBK (whose regular pit-stop is Blanton's and Ashton's) tipped me off to the new podcasting going on over at Blue Jersey. Their inaugural podcast is here, in which DBK sits down with Congressman Rush Holt (D-NJ) to have a flower-side chat.

For this month's podcast, we sat down with Congressman Rush Holt to hear his thoughts on the upcoming State of the Union, political blogging, NSA domestic spying, rising energy costs, the President's upbringing (hint: it involved immersion in oil) and more.

On Medicare Part D: "I'm not going to accuse them of designing it to fail--although that thought has crossed my mind."

Holt answers the question: "Where are the Democrats?" and shares his thoughts on how to regain a Congressional majority.
Also of interest, Congressman Holt will join BlueJersey after the State of the Union for a live discussion. Plus, Congressman Frank Pallone, Jr. (D-NJ) will be liveblogging the State of the Union at NJ for Democracy, Congressman Jim McDermott (D-WA) will be liveblogging at WashBlog, and Congressman Tim Ryan (D-OH) will be liveblogging at MyDD.

Now those are some Dems who know how to work the blogosphere.

(Crossposted at AlterNet PEEK.)

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Fair thee well, America. It was nice knowing you.

Alito has been confirmed to the Supreme Court by a vote of 58-42. One Republican cast a no-vote. Four Democrats cast yes-votes.

Not that it’s any consolation, but that’s the smallest number of Senators in the opposition party to support a Supreme Court justice in modern history. Woo-fucking-hoo.

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More Koufax Noms

The newest list of nominees is for Best Post. There are about 220 there, and it is truly an unbelievable collection of excellent posts, many of which were penned by some of my favorite bloggers. Shakespeare’s Sister was nominated for Scarred, Liberals Will Save America, and Anti-Choicers: Not So Fast, and, looking at the competition, let me just say, it was an honor to be nominated—both quite literally and in the sense that I have no chance of winning, lol.

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Dying to Avoid Being Raped

Female US soldiers deliberately dehydrated themselves to avoid the latrines. And then they died. And then it was covered up.

I don’t even know what to say. Just go read.

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RIP Coretta Scott King

Civil rights activist and widow of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., Coretta Scott King has died at age 78.

What can be said about Mrs. King? She absolutely rocked, and our lives are all better because of the way that she lived hers.

I love this picture:

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Not Hiding Anymore

Let's just be really up front about this: many social conservatives think gay people should just die. They're not even pretending otherwise. They think that doctors should refuse to treat gays and lesbians because they think that gays and lesbians should be punished. And since God isn't doing the job properly in their eyes, healthcare professionals should.

It's time we stopped pretending this isn't the case. It is. Movement conservatives want gays and lesbians to die. Period.

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Riddle Me This

Hey, I have a question. Why, when people say 'I swear,' are they often admonished with 'don't swear'? Or when asked to swear, some people won't? Is this a religious thing, like you're only supposed to swear about things pertaining to Jesus? When I was little I thought it was because 'swear' also means bad words, and bad words are bad. Like that girl on my soccer team who would scold me for saying 'Oh my God,' and even 'oh my gosh,' because it starts with the same letter. I had to carpool with that bitch. Either way, please, riddle me that.

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Question of the Day, Oversexed Nerds on Parade Edition

As you may have read below, last night I was the accidental victim of an unprovoked diatribe about the mating rituals of females, and how we like "bad boys" who are mean to us, and aren't we silly creatures for doing such. There was some reference to "motors running" and other embarrassing auto-shop puns. But that's neither here nor there. Well, it's here.
The Question of the Day is: What revs thy engine?

Personally, I cannot resist a man in glasses. They're the ultimate in sexy accessories, before all else. A nice pair of frames and I mellllllt like soft cheese.

But the Answer of the Day is a collaboration between Shakes and me, and can be seconded, etc. any who agree:

Shaker Women Say: "Guys who own more books than their shelves can accommodate are so getting crazy laid tonight...special consideration goes to those who can quote Oscar Wilde in hilariously timely fashion."

I can resist anything but temptation...and people who aren't crashing bloody idiots.

Umm, what's that, Keith Olbermann? You have something to contribute?
Ssshh, Tart. Don't you worry your pretty little head. It ain't your concern.

Okay.

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Not Even Close

According to C-SPAN, the Senate has voted 72-25 to halt debate on the Alito nomination.

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King-ky


Sure, Larry King hates your stinking guts and wants to kill you, you disgusting liberal trash, but first he’d like you to strap on your holster and play some Cowboys and Indians with his nasty old ass. Well, if not you, then his seventh wife (or, technically, sixth, since he married one woman twice, and it wasn’t even Liz Taylor):

LARRY King likes to get a little Wild West in the sack, according to his much-younger wife, Shawn Southwick. In an unsettling interview with Howard Stern, Southwick claims, "Larry has this Indian costume that just drives me wild . . . I wear chaps!" She adds that 72-year-old King's bedroom battle cries didn't ring out until after they were married in 1997. Southwick, a devout Mormon, made the wrinkled broadcaster wait until their wedding night to have sex - and only after a doctor signed off on it because of King's heart problems.
Bllllluuuurrrrgggggghhhhhhh!

Has anyone checked the records to see if Jack Abramoff solicited any GOP campaign contributions from Chief Larry?

(Hat tip to the demented Michael K, who notes, “I hope they make fringed diapers, because I'd hate for him to shit all over his nice Indian costume!” And my apologies to Mr. Furious, who, as our resident Native American contributor, really should have been given first shot at this story.)

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Radical Gay Agenda Update

<—— This Concerned Woman total fag dude, who happens to be preternaturally preoccupied with All Things Gay because he’s so straight and is the best possible spokesperson for Concerned Women of America’s Culture and Family Institute because he’s a man, is very unhappy about those gay-friendly posters going up in classrooms in the Bay Area. Especially since some of the teachers who were resisting the posters on religious grounds have now started to comply. Says Concerned Resolutely Heterosexual Man Bob Knight:

"This is about bullying people and saying you will kneel down and bow to the Baal god of homosexuality -- or we'll make your life very miserable."

…And it is wrong, Knight adds, to force teachers into a situation that implies their approval of an unsafe and unhealthy lifestyle. "When you put a rainbow poster up in your classroom, you're lending the authority of the teacher to the gay-rights movement," he explains. In essence, says Knight, the district is saying: "Kids, go ahead and try this behavior. Even your teacher is for it."
My god, Shakers. It's so simple! Why haven’t we thought of it before? All we have to do to cure homosexuality is put up posters endorsing heterosexuality in every classroom, and then all the gay kids will know their teachers are "for" straightness! Eureka!

Although...you might have thought that all those teachers getting busted having sex with their opposite-sex students might have done the job even better than pro-straight posters.

Huh. Maybe it’s not quite as simple as I thought. And maybe Knight and his Concerned Women ought to find something else to be concerned about. Like how many teachers are having sex with their students—yeesh!

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I am beginning to think that firing people isn't enough

I think we might need to bring Michael Brown to some sort of rough justice.

WASHINGTON (CNN) -- Federal emergency officials failed to accept offers of possibly life-saving aid from the Department of Interior immediately after Hurricane Katrina, according to documents obtained by CNN.

The Interior Department offered the Federal Emergency Management Agency the use of personnel who were experienced in water rescues and also offered boats, helicopters, heavy equipment and rooms, the documents say.


And FEMA, of course, refused.

But, he observed, "Were there federal assets that were not used in Katrina? Of course."

The Interior Department offered FEMA 500 rooms, 119 pieces of heavy equipment, 300 dump trucks and other vehicles, 300 boats, 11 aircraft and 400 law enforcement officers, according to a questionnaire answered by a department official.


I think we should revisit the Beast's 50 Most Loathsome People for 2005, in particular these paragraphs:

Exhibit A: In subsequent communications, Brown asked, "Can I quit now? Can I come home?" and complained about trouble finding a dog sitter. With almost comical indifference to those actually suffering, he wrote: "I’m trapped now, please rescue me."

Sentence: What else? Dehydrated, starved, and slowly baked to death on a Ninth Ward rooftop while repeatedly buzzed by news helicopters. Body secretly recovered and incinerated by Blackwater operatives as part of a Cheney-initiated campaign to keep casualty figures artificially low.


Really, it's almost too good for him.

In light of that discussion, Wolcott pointed me to this last night. This interview with Emmanuel Todd was conducted by Le Figaro, just after the Katrina disaster glaringly pointed up the failure of the Bush Administration (and the country as a whole) to marshall its forces in any meaningful way to save New Orleans.

This is the money paragraph, in my opinion.

Would such a crisis be the consequence of Bush Administration policy, which you stigmatize for its paternalistic and social Darwinism aspects? Or would its causes be more structural?


American neo-conservatism is not alone to blame. What seems to me more striking is the way this America that incarnates the absolute opposite of the Soviet Union is on the point of producing the same catastrophe by the opposite route. Communism, in its madness, supposed that society was everything and that the individual was nothing, an ideological basis that caused its own ruin. Today, the United States assures us, with a blind faith as intense as Stalin's, that the individual is everything, that the market is enough and that the state is hateful. The intensity of the ideological fixation is altogether comparable to the Communist delirium. This individualist and inequalitarian posture disorganizes American capacity for action. The real mystery to me is situated there: how can a society renounce common sense and pragmatism to such an extent and enter into such a process of ideological self-destruction? It's a historical aporia to which I have no answer and the problem with which cannot be abstracted from the present administration's policies alone. It's all of American society that seems to be launched into a scorpion policy, a sick system that ends up injecting itself with its own venom. Such behavior is not rational, but it does not all the same contradict the logic of history. The post-war generations have lost acquaintance with the tragic and with the spectacle of self-destroying systems. But the empirical reality of human history is that it is not rational.


This echoes, in more specific terms, arms inspector Scott Ritter's question, "Are you a citizen or a consumer?"

This celebration of the myth of Total Self-Reliance and its corollary set of values ("I got mine"-ism) is at the heart of the commodification of American life. There is this tacit assumption that drives consumerism: Happiness can be purchased. If, for some reason, one is too poor to buy happiness, then you've somehow failed as a citizen. Unions? "Pointless Bolshevism." Societal safety net? "What, are you too lazy to go out and earn a living?" Mass transportation? "Can't you get yourself a car?" The reduction of society to a collection of individual consumers is, I think, the great post-World War 2 trend which will eventually be the breached levee that drowns us all.

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What a Mess

Republican Senator Lincoln Chafee will vote against Alito.

But the Gang of 14 (who forged that awesome nuclear option-averting agreement which does Dems absolutely no good whatsoever) may be threatening to block a filibuster.

WON'T SOMEONE PLEASE THINK OF MARTHA-ANN?!

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And China said, “You first.”

US Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice talks from Washington to participants of the session "The Guiding principles and values for US policies" at the World Economic Forum in Davos. Top US officials, recognizing China's growing influence, say they are trying to persuade Beijing to act as a "responsible actor" on the world stage amid disagreements and rivalry between the two powers.(AFP/Eric Feferberg)


“I’ll take big, scary ladies for $200, Alex.”

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Sigh

Over at The Green Knight’s place, the Whamstress has got an important post about IEDs I highly recommend, which starts with the following:

This morning I watched Diane Sawyer (Good Morning America) barely contain her grief as she reported news on her friends and co-workers, Bob Woodruff and cameraman Doug Vogt.
I commented:

It's hard to say this without sounding hateful, even though I don't intend it to be so, but I wish Diane Sawyer and her cohorts showed the same demonstrable emotion for the thousands of soldiers who have been killed and wounded in this atrocity, whose lives were no less valuable just because they weren't on camera or holding one.
I’m not the only one who’s had the same thought. The Fixer at Alternate Brain says it with the blunt anger it deserves:

The impression I get, watching the news heads talk about the incident, is that the news folks are finally realizing this war in Iraq is not a video game and that it just as easily could have been them in the hatch of that APC. It's really something to see them waking up. About time, you motherfuckers. For three years you've been reporting on the casualties as pseudo-TV fiction characters, with your disingenuous false pity for the families. How's it feel now that two of your own will probably be turnips for the rest of their lives? Are you now going to take a realistic look at the waste of lives in the Chimp's folly? I hope so, and I hope you start giving the American people the truth about all we've lost in that dry hole in the sand.
I feel terrible about Woodruff and Vogt—and I feel terrible every single time I read a headline about more troops getting killed or injured, not to mention more Iraqi civilians getting killed or injured. And I get angry when I watch a news anchor blithely reports those deaths or injuries—“Twelve marines died today when a roadside bomb exploded…”—and then segue without irony into a report about President Bush or one of his minions giving a speech on how well the war is going or how we’ve turned a new corner or how Cindy Sheehan is nothing more than a publicity whore. I don’t want to celebrate that this horrific spell of cognitive dissonance might have finally been broken by a tragedy, but, at the same time, I do hope that makes a few people reconsider the ways they’ve aided and abetted an administration and its war of choice that has caused so many unnecessary deaths.

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Looksies

So, the Dems choose Virginia Governor Tim Kaine to give the rebuttal to the SOTU. Lots of liberal bloggers criticize the decision for various reasons (including me). Ezra Klein registers his objection with a post linking to my points about his being not gay-friendly and Arianna Huffinton’s points about his being hawkish on Iraq, and also notes Kaine is “at best, a functional speaker, not an orator for the history books,” adding:

And nor is he a good looking dude who could put an attractive, fresh face on the party. He's a squat, squinty, pug-nosed fellow who just won an election that largely revolved around retail politics and the endorsement of his predecessor.
Then USAToday singles out Ezra’s commentary on Kaine’s looks, which is a bit unfortunate, but wev (what do you expect from USAToday?). But then, The Nation’s Katrina vanden Heuvel also picked up on it, posting here and here:

Why are so many liberal bloggers up in arms about Virginia Governor Timothy Kaine being picked to give the Democrat's reply to Bush's State of the Union? There's been fury in the blogosphere about everything from Kaine's looks, style, obscurity, his open talk about his faith and his inexperience in national security. Liberal writer Ezra Klein (no Brad Pitt, last time I checked him out) vented that Kaine is "a squat, squinty, pug-nosed fellow."
Now, look—Ezra didn’t take a cheap shot at Kaine. A cheap shot would be calling Kaine an ugly bastard in the middle of a post about his position on the war. Addressing his looks in a commentary about his viability as a party representative on an important televised appearance is totally fair. Looks matter in politics, which itself might not be fair, but that’s the reality. (It’s also not remotely the only criticism Ezra had.)

On the other hand, Katrina’s remark is a cheap shot. Jeralyn Merritt, Digby, and Jane Hamsher, among others, have all pointed out that Ezra is, in fact, pretty hot. (Ezra left it up to his readers to be the judge.) But I suppose as the resident Ugly Mug it falls to me to point out that even if Ezra had a face like a baboon’s ass, his observation would still have been equally viable.

Since when must offering analysis of a political decision be predicated on having demonstrably superior expressions of the quality upon which one is commenting? If that’s the new guideline, I guess we ought to request that anyone who has an opinion about Bush’s honesty had better provide a list of every time they’ve lied, to ensure they’ve lied fewer times than he has.

And that’s what annoys me about Katrina’s dig—not just that it was undeserved, but that it’s more of the same “Oh, who are these infantile bloggers, anyway?” nonsense that seeks to cast bloggers as irrational and unfit by virtue of lacking some set of stupendous qualifications with which well-known opinion-givers are, apparently, imbued the moment they start receiving a paycheck. It also deliberately misses the point that appearance and presence are indeed fair game when critiquing such a decision. In fact, it sort of deliberately misses the point in the same way that rightwingers (and increasingly, even lefties in print media) like to deliberately miss the point; that is to say so that they can justify ignoring all other legitimate points from the same source by virtue of association.

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"Well, I have enough money for the pizza, but how am I going to tip the delivery guy?"
*Bow-chicka-wow-wow-bow-bow*


Calling Gannon/Guckert... Calling Gannon/Guckert.... Hot Military Studs are ready for action.... over...

Army to Investigate Gay Porn Allegations

RALEIGH, N.C. - Army officials are investigating allegations that members of the celebrated 82nd Airborne Division appear on a gay pornography Web site, a spokeswoman said Friday.

Authorities at Fort Bragg have begun an inquiry into whether the paratroopers' actions violated the military conduct code.

Division spokeswoman Maj. Amy Hannah declined to say how many paratroopers are involved or identify their unit within the division. A defense official speaking on condition of anonymity said up to seven soldiers are involved.

Hannah said soldiers questioned will be allowed to seek legal assistance, but she declined to say if any one had been charged.

"Once the investigation is complete, the chain of command will take appropriate action," Hannah said.


Tubes of astroglide and plenty of tissues will be distributed.

Martha Rudd, an Army spokeswoman at the Pentagon, said soldiers accused of homosexual activity might be removed from their units, although she did not have specific information about the investigation of the 82nd. When asked if the soldiers involved had been moved out of barracks, Hannah declined to comment.


What a great phrase! "Accused of homosexual activity." So if they were on a straight porn site, I guess that would have been "conduct becoming." In other words, it's not about the porn, it's about "Teh Gay."

Heh... I said "coming."

"We are concerned about the privacy and rights of each trooper involved and that they are treated with dignity and respect," Hannah said.


*Insert the sound of Paul snorting and blowing a raspberry here* Yeah, that's why you're making sure to let everyone know this is a gay porn issue. Because their names will never leak out. Never never.

Maj. Todd Vician, a Defense Department spokesman in Washington, said the military's "don't ask, don't tell" policy states that "homosexual orientation alone is not a bar to service, but homosexual conduct is incompatible with military service."

"We define homosexual conduct as homosexual acts or verbal or nonverbal communication that a member is homosexual," Vician said.


Especially when the conduct is totally HAWT. And what exactly is "nonverbal communication that a member is homosexual?" I guess when a soldier sashays to his tank, flitting a limp wrist.

The 82nd Airborne is one of the most celebrated units in the military. Its 15,000 troops are trained to deploy anywhere in the world within 18 hours.


There are so many possible jokes in that sentence, I don't know where to begin.

This is just another example of the absurdity of this "don't ask, don't tell" crap. I'm sure that if these guys were appearing in straight porn, the hysteria would be miniscule. It's that hot man-on-man action that makes it so titilating. And, you know, with that whole gay sheepherder thing that's making the news these days, it's big news, baby!

Cue Jay Leno's "I wish I knew how to quit you" jokes tonight.

And cue Ken Mehlman frantically clearing his browser history and caché.

(First I was afraid, I was petrified... kept thinking I could never cross-post without you by my side...)

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Linguistic Gripe O' the Day

Spudsy's report on the current Admin's admitting that they couldn't have predicted the extent of Muslim extremism and all its manifestations made me realize that perhaps the issue is not that these people are defying our expectations, but that our overuse and subsequent meaning-depletion of the word 'extreme' is substantially lowering the bar for extreme activities. So, they're extremists, eh? Are they as extreme as SNOWBOARDING?! Because that's pretty fucking crazy, man! Oh, they blow up embassies, huh? Well, can they SHRED THIS HALF-PIPE, DUDE??!! Oh. They're worse than that. Well then perhaps we should stop using the word 'extreme' for everything even mildly interesting, and just reserve it for really really crazy shit, so that way we don't confuse ourselves and BushCo. Commenter Oddjob sez: "We have a very long history of not understanding much about that part of the world." I agree, dude. And it starts at home. At home with our dictionaries.

That's it! Time for a linguistic clean-up!

Right Guard Extreme: Sorry Gillette. I know you paid Method Man a lot of money to endorse your product, and this was a way big risk because he's black and a rapper (totally extreme on your part, way to go) but it's just deoderant. We're taking back our e-word.

Extreme Makeover: Home Edition: Yes, it is rather extreme, as makeovers go, to tear down someone's house and build them a new one. But it is in fact commonplance and entirely predictable for Sears, Kenmore, Weyerhauser and Craftsman to donate .0000000000004% of their yearly profits to a television show that will return big fat dollars on their investment, while simultaneouly making them appear philanthropic and Disney-goopy-sweet. Sorry, Ty. My mom thinks you're hot, but I'm gonna have to say the nay-no.

X Games: Since you've shortened it to "X" and you've been around a long time, you can stay. But I know four-year-olds who skateboard. It's not that big a deal.



If we can avoid draining them of meaning, words can kick some serious ass. Fight the power, Shakers. Additional suggestions for linguistic depantsings encouraged. Sis, I'm looking at you.

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Monday Blogwhoring

What's the word?

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A Tale of Two Headlines

Exxon Sees Record Profits for Any U.S. Co.

Exxon Mobil Corp. posted record profits for any U.S. company on Monday — $10.71 billion for the fourth quarter and $36.13 billion for the year — as the world's biggest publicly traded oil company benefited from high oil and gas prices and demand for refined products…

For the full year, net income surged to $5.71 per share from $3.89 per share in 2004. Annual revenue grew to $371 billion from $298.04 billion.

To put that into perspective, Exxon's revenue for the year exceeded Saudi Arabia's estimated 2005 gross domestic product of $340.5 billion, according to statistics maintained by the Central Intelligence Agency.
Meanwhile…

Savings Rate at Lowest Level Since 1933

Americans' personal savings rate dipped into negative territory in 2005, something that hasn't happened since the Great Depression. Consumers depleted their savings to finance the purchases of cars and other big-ticket items.

The Commerce Department reported Monday that the savings rate fell into negative territory at minus 0.5 percent, meaning that Americans not only spent all of their after-tax income last year but had to dip into previous savings or increase borrowing.

The savings rate has been negative for an entire year only twice before — in 1932 and 1933 — two years when the country was struggling to cope with the Great Depression, a time of massive business failures and job layoffs.

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RIP Wendy Wasserstein

Playwright Wendy Wasserstein has died at age 55.

Wasserstein was an important feminist playwright, who penned such plays as "The Sisters Rosensweig” and "The Heidi Chronicles," which won her a Pulitzer Prize in 1989. She worked with some of the best actresses ever to grace stage or screen—Meryl Streep, Glenn Close, Dianne Wiest, Swoozie Kurtz, and Joan Allen, among others, providing them the kind of material that most actresses dream about.

I’m really sad. She was so young.

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Blindsided. Again.

You've got to wonder how they find their fucking front doors and make it to work intact.

Rice Admits U.S. Underestimated Hamas Strength

Key quotes: (Bolds mine)

LONDON, Jan. 29 — Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice acknowledged Sunday that the United States had failed to understand the depth of hostility among Palestinians toward their longtime leaders. The hostility led to an election victory by the militant group Hamas that has reduced to tatters crucial assumptions underlying American policies and hopes in the Middle East.

"I've asked why nobody saw it coming," Ms. Rice said, speaking of her own staff. "It does say something about us not having a good enough pulse."


Nobody saw it coming.

Ms. Rice pointed out that the election results surprised just about everyone. "I don't know anyone who wasn't caught off guard by Hamas's strong showing," she said on her way to London for meetings on the Middle East, Iran and other matters. "Some say that Hamas itself was caught off guard by its strong showing."


Caught off guard. Didn't see it coming.

You can see where I'm going with this, can't you?

They didn't see it coming.
“I don’t think anybody anticipated the breach of the levees.”


They didn't see it coming.

"I don't think anybody could have predicted that these people would take an airplane and slam it into the World Trade Center, take another one and slam it into the Pentagon, that they would try to use an airplane as a missile, a hijacked airplane as a missile." ñ Condoleezza Rice, May 16, 2002"


They didn't see it coming.
RICE: I think that concern about what I might have known or we might have known was provoked by some statements that I made in a press conference. I was in a press conference to try and describe the August 6 memo, which I’ve talked about here in my opening remarks and which I talked about with you in the private session.

And I said, at one point, that this was a historical memo, that it was — it was not based on new threat information. And I said, “No one could have imagined them taking a plane, slamming it into the Pentagon” — I’m paraphrasing now — “into the World Trade Center, using planes as a missile.”

As I said to you in the private session, I probably should have said, “I could not have imagined,” because within two days, people started to come to me and say, “Oh, but there were these reports in 1998 and 1999. The intelligence community did look at information about this.”

To the best of my knowledge, Mr. Chairman, this kind of analysis about the use of airplanes as weapons actually was never briefed to us.


To the Bush clan, ignorance is bliss. It's a great excuse. Too bad their ignorance is filling graves.

(It ain't me, it ain't me, I ain't no fortunate cross-post.)

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The Stupidest Thing I've Heard in Awhile,

as overheard while attempting to study at a cafe near my house:

A man, about 26, ostebsibly studying for a law exam with female friend, describes the manner in which he systematically "stole energy" from his ex-girlfriend via sex, explaining that it's possible to "capture the life force" of others using certain techniques which he did not describe. That's why men usually pass out after sex, whereas women and up and ready to go, he says. Not him, though, he says. He takes their energy and uses it in other capacities, such as building his business contacts. He then starts a Mars-Venusesque discussion about how women like "bad boys" and men only marry nice girls in order to avoid any ego-destroying cuckoldery. And I quote:

"How many nice guys are you really attracted to? None. You wanna do the guy on the Harley. He's the one who gets your motor running, so to speak."


Wait. Aren't Harleys like $25,000 and owned mainly by retirees men who've invested wisely? And to whom does this really apply? Certainly some women subconsciously seek men who will hurt them as did their fathers, etc. But not most. Most women want to be happy, and we aren't that fucking textbook shallow. Sexual attraction and mate selection are complex. Can't we just think before we recite this generalization crap? I'm sure it would improve something, somewhere if we did.

I wanted to move. I really did. But there were no empty seats. At one point someone got up from a table across the room and I gathered my books and tea, but I had barely lifted off the chair when somebody grabbed it. Lucky bastards. This is why you charge your iPod before you leave the house. Always, always charge your iPod.


See, it's funny because we have different sex organs. Get it? Get it? I know.

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Used and Abused

Wow.

"The bloggers and online donors represent an important resource for the party, but they are not representative of the majority you need to win elections," said Steve Elmendorf, a Democratic lobbyist who advised Kerry's 2004 presidential campaign. "The trick will be to harness their energy and their money without looking like you are a captive of the activist left."
There you go, liberal bloggers. That’s what the Democratic establishment thinks of you. They’re happy to have your coin, but keep your bullshit to yourself.

The blogs-vs.-establishment fight represents the latest version of a familiar Democratic dispute. It boils down to how much national candidates should compromise on what are considered core Democratic values -- such as abortion rights, gun control and opposition to conservative judges -- to win national elections…

Even if they disagree with their positions, Democratic candidates recognize from the Dean experience the power of the activists to raise money and infuse a campaign with their energy.
The GOP’s willingness to be beholden to those who would happily see reproductive rights binned like day-old bread, gays forever marginalized as second-class citizens, and every last American clamoring for figurative and material sustenance up the rungs of an unreliable ladder known as social Darwinism is despicable, but at least it’s not disingenuous. On the 33rd anniversary of Roe, the president gave a speech directly to anti-choicers, praising their work and lauding their efforts to “persuade more of our fellow Americans of the rightness of our cause.” Meanwhile, liberal bloggers who refuse to compromise on Roe are dismissed as some kind of wacky fringe element by the Democratic establishment, even though it’s widely regarded as “settled law” and a majority of Americans support it.

Pam has a most excellent post that sums up my feelings as well:

I've been talking about this crap for a good long time now re: gay rights -- they want our queer bucks and our silence and endless "patience" as they tilt the party rightward.

This dishonesty was barely hidden beneath the surface during the 2004 race and, as you can see from the above quote, it's out there stark naked before us now as the 2006 races heat up. This "bend over, you've got nowhere else to go" mentality is as bad as the Right's plan to drag out the gay boogeyman again for this election cycle…

If all we represent are money-machines and virtual foot soldiers, I call bullsh*t. No more of that. If a candidate cannot make civil equality or the protection of reproductive freedom a core value that they are willing to publicly defend, then what is the point of being a Democrat? What good does it do to win an election if the politician cannot stand up to the wingnuts, or worse, votes on our core issues just like a wingnut so it can be touted in their next race? The end result is the same to those of us directly affected by the cowardice.
If the Dems can’t be bothered to give a crap about those directly affected by their cowardice, the least they could do is understand that the reason we hold positions with which they “disagree” is because we are those people. We are women and men who fear the end of reproductive choice. We are gays and lesbians and bisexuals and transgendered individuals and their supporters, people of all colors, who want equality for all Americans. We are red-state poor folks and blue-state rich folks and every variation in between who support fair taxation, protection of the environment, workers’ rights, and a social safety net for the most vulnerable among us, and don’t support the notion of a unitary executive. (And we’re not exactly the obscure minority we’re being cast as, either; 65% of Americans oppose turning over Roe and 53% support, at minimum, civil unions for gays. The numbers creep even higher for protecting such institutions as Social Security, a social safety net, constitutional checks and balances, and basic workers’ rights.)

If Democrats don’t want to represent our interests, they have to realize that they are then, in essence, saying that they don’t represent us, and they shouldn’t bother asking for our money and looking for us to be their foot soldiers.

I don’t know how to solve this problem. I do know, however, that two parties who don’t give a crap about us in a de facto two-party system is one party too many.

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Dems Split on Filibuster

Senator Barak Obama is the latest Dem to register his unhappiness with the prospect of a filibuster.

To more effectively oppose Supreme Court nominees in the future, Democrats need to convince the public "their values are at stake" rather than use stalling tactics to try to thwart the president, said a senator who opposes Samuel Alito's confirmation…

"There is an over-reliance on the part of Democrats for procedural maneuvers," he told ABC's "This Week." …

"There's one way to guarantee that the judges who are appointed to the Supreme Court are judges that reflect our values. And that's to win elections," Obama said.
In one sense, I agree with him. I know there’s a big chance of a filibuster backfiring because the Dems will be tagged as obstructionists and, quite frankly, they haven’t done enough work in getting out the message that there are very good reasons to filibuster Alito on behalf of voters. And I agree that the best way to ensure that rightwing douchebags don’t get nominated to the Supreme Court is to win elections.

But, on the other hand, part of what the Democrats need to do to win elections is reassert their commitment to liberal values. Yes, the media proactively supports the GOP, which makes it infinitely harder for the Dems’ message to get out, but the Dems need to share some of the blame for being seen as a mixed-message party. They have largely supported the war and the Patriot Act, they allowed Bush to claim bipartisan victories on some big legislation like the bankruptcy bill and bipartisan support for many of his nominees, including Alberto Gonzales, Condi Rice, and John Roberts, and many of the most prominent Dems are public triangulators, like Hillary Clinton, aligning themselves with such conservative legislation as flag-burning amendments. At some point, the Dems are going to need to take a stand against the GOP and their attempt to obliterate all liberal principles and actors from governance. Filibustering Alito’s nomination is drawing that line in the sand. Or at least it should be.

I’m concerned that some Dems are getting comfortable relying on the old adage, “Give ‘em enough rope to hang themselves.” Taking a sit-back-and-wait attitude until they’ve gone so far that Americans will vote for anyone else is not a good idea. Not only have Bush & Co. have escaped the noose plenty of times already, but I guarantee you, with that kind of lazy, entitled attitude, someone else will sneak in with some snappy rhetoric about integrity (cough*John McCain*cough), and we’ll end up with more of the same horseshit wrapped in a deceptively appealing package.

Sure, appointing judges that reflect Democratic values necessitates winning elections, but that’s only half the story. The other half is that winning elections is predicated on reliably demonstrating those values in the first place, especially when it’s not the most politically expedient thing to do.

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Happy…

…Third Blogiversary to That Colored Fella!

and

...Second Blogiversary to Tom Watson!

and

…Birthday to Catherine! (Sorry, I’m one day late—but I didn’t forget; I was just indisposed!) Hope whatever you wished for when you blew out your candles comes true, darling.

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Worth a Read

Newsweek’s Palace Revolt, a story about conservatives who paid a price to try to rein in the administration’s war on terror. Maybe I’m just feeling cynical today, but I read it and thought, “So that’s how the coup happened.” Newsweek ends the story by saying, “thanks to a few quietly determined lawyers, a healthy debate has at last begun,” but I don’t know how much that allegedly “healthy debate” means when the ethical heroes are gone and their arch-nemesis, the loathsome David Addington, has been promoted to replace Scooter Libby as Cheney’s chief of staff.

The Heretik has more.

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Bob Woodruff Injured in Iraq

ABC anchor Bob Woodruff, who, along with Elizabeth Vargas, just replaced Peter Jennings, was reporting from Iraq when an IED exploded nearby, injuring Woodruff and cameraman Doug Vogt. Both suffered head injuries and were hit by shrapnel, and Vogt has a broken shoulder. They are both out of surgery and in stable condition. I hope they’re okay. Every story I’ve read about this so far sounds uncomfortably like an obituary.

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B-Fest: A Story of Survival

Now, it’s well established that Paul the Spud and I have a long-running psychic mind meld, which manifests itself in myriad ways, from our similar specs frames to our Ethel Merman impressions, and it’s also no secret that Spudsy and I love each other to itty, bitty pieces, having forged the special, unreplicatable bond that can only be shared between a fag and his hag, a full-bosomed mistress of cuntitude and her boybitch. But could we, would we, be strong enough to withstand sleep deprivation, physical exhaustion, hunger, dehydration, nicotine withdrawal, the foul stench of a massive throng of unwashed geeks, and the mind-numbing assault of 24 hours of bad films?

We now have our answer—and that answer is a resounding yes.

Armed with only our wits (and two bags full of water and snacks), we made it alive through B-Fest—through the suckitude of Superman IV, through the eye- and ear-straining madness of The Creature from the Black Lagoon in 3-D, through the soul-sucking direness of Godzilla (1998)…straight through the disaster that is Gas-s-s-s! and the hell on Earth that is Rhinestone Cowboy. (In a bit of a cheat, we did skip out before Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2, but, in our defense, I did have a train ride ahead of me during which I had to stay awake, lest I ended up in South Bend at the end of the line.)

This being my first time at B-Fest, I had no idea what an event it actually is. There were people from all over the country—and some as far away as France—in attendance, many of whom came toting air mattresses, gigantic coolers, and all manner of comfort and nourishment reinforcements. As we walked in with our two small bags of stuff, I noted we might be laughed at for being woefully unprepared. We weren’t, but that’s probably only because no one laughed at anyone for anything at B-Fest; we only mocked what was on the screen.

And aside from the manic and delirious fun that was had during Plan 9 from Outer Space (including the throwing of vast quantities of paper plates each time the flying saucers—pictured above—appeared onscreen, and the cacophony of “Night!”s and “Day!”s and “Bela!”s and “Not Bela!”s and “Tor!”s at the beginning of each scene as an homage to Ed Wood’s masterwork), that was the best thing about B-Fest—meeting some of the other people who attended, who were not only hilarious, but so very, very nice. (I especially enjoyed meeting the adorable Shaker Zack, and wish we’d had more opportunity to talk, but, you know, there were films to ridicule!) It’s a bit too easy to say that, this being a magnet for geeks, particularly of the male persuasion, it can be chalked up to being a room full of the proverbial Nice Guys who always finish last; certainly, that plays a part at B-Fest, but I’ve met enough sci-fi or swords-and-spells fanatics who can be condescending pricks to anyone who doesn’t speak Klingon or Elvish to know that not all geeks are nice guys (or girls). The people I met were just really welcoming, and that made the experience so much the better.

It was sort of impossible, for someone who has studied gender and sexuality for so long and spends so much time immersed in politics, not to note some of the interesting political and social things happening, too. I won’t blather on about all of it, because it’s probably not so interesting to anyone but me, but it was hilarious to hear the collective gasps and groans when everyone saw that the costuming for Plan 9 had been done by Dick Chaney, and it was very curious to experience the tension between blatantly sexist and homophobic humor and a post-modern take on the same. It was the men who delivered an endless stream of bad jokes at the expense of Dolly Parton’s endowments during Rhinestone Cowboy, and made more Brokeback Mountain references than I can count, but two of the best snarky pro-feminist lines came from men, too: During The Creature from the Black Lagoon, which features a token woman scientist, whose primary field of study seems to be how long scantily clad women can manage to swim just out of the reach of lagoon monsters, one of the male scientists is saying to her, “You must understand…” and our audience hero intoned, “You must understand that as the only female scientist, you’re best suited to get all the rest of us some coffee.” And, at the end of Cobra Woman, “It’s always the same—the woman’s got to give up her career.”

One particularly amusing thing was the co-opting of the “USA! USA!” chant into a sarcastic statement on American imperialism and up-our-own-assesness. Any time there was a “America to the rescue” moment in a film, the audience erupted into “USA! USA!”, and I’m sure for the conservatives in attendance, it may have been a genuine response spawned of their usual silly notions of the infallibility of American hegemony, but they no doubt quickly realized they were outnumbered, as the chant also rose in clearly facetious response to American cars breaking down, the Madison Square Garden getting bombed to kill Godzillets, and someone blurting out while being robbed by aliens, “I’m an American!” And then, the final blow, when Jean Reno starts kicking ass in Godzilla, the response came: “Viva la France! Viva la France!”

It was a really fun, if exhausting, experience. You’ve really got to like crap, and you’ve really got to be able to fall asleep anywhere, anytime—which I can do. (Now Spudsy and Mr. Shakes can compare stories about my sleeping during concerts and the deafening racket of B-Fest.) Thanks, Paul, for inviting me and procuring our survival kit and being so much fun, as always. And to Zack and Preacher Quint—it was so nice to meet you, and I’m so sorry for stepping on your feet so many times.

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Presidating

State of the Union satire. Hilarious!

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Question Of The Day

A man opens the front door of his house and walks outside. Wearing a suit, briefcase in hand, he turns and kisses his wife goodbye. Walking down the front path and through the gate he goes, on his way to the office and... WHOA! Dude's house is on top of a giant mesa in the middle of the desert! And check this out: He's bustin' out a parachute and base jumping down to his waiting Honda SUV! Now he's driving his SUV over some huge rocks! Gnarly commute, yo. That dude must lead a bold and adventuresome life that truly defies the suburban stereotype. Wow... Maybe I should go buy one of those SUV's and, like, move to the top of a mesa. Then my life would be exciting, just like his.

The advertisement depicted above drives me absolutely bonkers every time it comes on the television. True, automobile commercials generally and SUV commercials in particular always try to present their products as some sort of ultimate lifestyle-altering experience, but this one's completely over-the-top. The ham-handedly explicit way they try to morph suburban office dad into radical dare-devil adventure guy -- by virtue of his SUV ownership, of course -- just sooooo makes me want to puke.

So here's your Question of the Day, Shakers: What television commercial, past or present, makes you grimace with revulsion, tightening your fists until your fingernails draw blood from your own palms, clenching your teeth until they are ground to fine powder? Or, failing that, just annoys the crap out of you?

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B Students

The doors have been thrown open to all of Shakes’ various guest posters for the next day or so, as The Two Ronnies (aka Spudsy and I) are going to B-Fest, a 24-hour marathon of B-movies, featuring such classics as Superman IV, Rhinestone, Earth Girls Are Easy, Cobra Woman, Creature from the Black Lagoon (in 3-D, bitches!), and Plan 9 from Outer Space. It’s like a 24-hour immersion in an episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000 as B-movie lovers gather in the darkness to holler their best bits of snark at the screen, while fighting off exhaustion, sore asses, and the urge to flee as the creeping realization that you’ve exchanged daylight and fresh air for 24 solid hours of recycled geek breath slowly washes over you.

We’ve got our bottles of water, our baby carrots, and our love of crap ready to go! Onward to B-Fest!!!

See you later—if our eyeballs haven’t fallen out…

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Friday Blogwhoring

What's the word?

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Peaches

The best thing about being a nanny is being there for the firsts. I was a baby's first word once- a loud, clear "Jo-Jo!" she would pronounce when the security system signaled my entry through the front door with two beeps. This baby, Ciara, speaks now only in her own language, which based on her inflection and urgency I can tell will turn to English within a few months.

Ciara can eat more foods now. She puts the Cheerios in her mouth one at a time, using thumb and forefinger, as all babies everywhere do. Yesterday we went to the grocery store for baby food, and I bought peaches along with the sweet potatoes, squash and pears. She sat in the cart, fat hands gesticulating wildly when my attention wandered away from her. Sometimes I call her 'Peaches,' or 'Pumpkin,' or 'Bobbles' or 'Google' when she's drooling more than usual.

At home I fastened the velcro strips of the plastic bib around her fleshy neck and spooned in the peaches. She made a face, lips pursed and eyes narrowed. Thinking. She paused, processing this new thing, and I thought, this is the first time in her life she has tasted peaches. She won't remember this, but I will. After a moment she opened her little mouth wide. She wanted more. She likes peaches.

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More Koufax Noms

Congratulations to those bloggers nominated in the category of Best State and Local Blogs, including BlueJersey, Pam's House Blend, and Tennessee Guerilla Women (which are the only three I know well). As with the previous two categories, voting is not yet open to give voters time to check out all the nominees.

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As Moz Would Say, Truly Disappointed

I was just over at The Talent Show and saw this picture:


How could Gary Sinise be a Republican*? WTF? He started the Steppenwolf, which is all liberal and shit. That’s so weird.

Am I the only person in the world who didn’t know Gary Sinise is a Republican?

And why have I only bumped into Republican actors? Gary Sinise (very nice), Mel Gibson (super nice), and Bruce Willis (total dick). What gives?

If I hadn’t been in an elevator with Tommy Lee Jones, who will still glowing with the aura of once having been Al Gore’s roommate, I’d consider the first 31 years of my life a total loss.

---------------

* Yes, I looked it up. He's really a genuine GOP-er.

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Friday Blogrollin'

Stop by and say hi to:

Acid Test
On the Fritz
Sugared Harpy
Unclaimed Territory
Just Ain’t Right

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OMG

Funny, funny, funny shit, care of Driftglass. Just go read.

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How do you say “You’ve been replaced by a robopussy” in Japanese?

A Japanese woman smiles next to Hello Kitty Robo, developed by Japanese robot maker Business Design Laboratory, at the 2005 International Robot Exhibition in Tokyo November 30, 2005. For just under 240 pounds a month, a fraction of the cost of a human temp, the PeopleStaff agency will dispatch Hello Kitty Robo, a robotic receptionist capable of sensing a visitor's presence, greeting him or her and holding simple conversations. REUTERS/Yuriko Nakao (Full story.)

The day I walk into an office that expects me to hold a conversation with a giant cartoon robot cat is the day I take my business elsewhere.

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News from Shakes Manor

Mr. Shakes: I like that picture of yoorself you chose for the bloog.

Shakes: Thanks. I thought it was funny how Paul and I have the same glasses, further illustrative of our PSYCHIC MIND MELD.

Mr. Shakes: You look like The Two Ronnies.

Shakes: What?

Mr. Shakes: Goo oon—do a search for The Two Ronnies. You’ll see what I mean.

Shakes does a search for The Two Ronnies and comes up with not only the above image, which was The Two Ronnies' "famous spectacles" logo, but also the following picture of The Two Ronnies, from an ancient British sketch comedy show, called, coincidentally enough, The Two Ronnies.


Mr. Shakes: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

Shakes: You are such a cunt.

Mr. Shakes: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

Shakes: I can’t believe you called us The Two Ronnies.

Mr. Shakes: Why noot? The resemblance is uncanny.

(I would have tried to fight off this brutal attack on our collective cuteness for longer, except I was falling out of my chair from laughing.)


Breaking News: Shakes and Spudsy get their own talk show!

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A Really Bad Excuse

As I was wading through the quintillion or so news stories today that dealt with either the criminal incompetence, corruption, or hubris of the Bush Administration, I stumbled upon this particularly odious little snippet from a report by the Special Inspector General for Iraq Reconstruction:

There were no detailed, overt preparations for the reconstruction of Iraq in the run-up to the 2003 invasion "to avoid the impression that the US government had already decided on [military] intervention."
Our War Monger in Chief and his happy little band of corporate cut-throats have emitted a prime bundle of obfuscations about the lack of post-war planning, ranging from their assertion that it was impossible to know what the situation on the ground would be after they conquered the country, to their claim that their victory was so brilliantly swift that it undid the planning they had in place. However, this stark admission that no detailed planning of any kind was undertaken, married to the absurd notion that to have done so would have somehow helped the enemy, leaves me truly breathless.

The Administration has been very fond of using this type of tortured logic in order to either justify its actions or deflect criticism from its more obvious fuck-ups. This latest NSA scandal provides another example. Here's Bush, explaining why Republicans in Congress shouldn't pass legislation that would give him the "express authority to continue the program."

But it's important for people to understand that this program is so sensitive and so important that if information gets out to how we run it or how we operate it, it'll help the enemy."
Oh, okay - so it doesn't have anything to do with the fact that if Republicans were to pass such legislation it would be an implicit admission that his ridiculous program was illegal in the first place. Sure.

If these guys are so concerned about defeating "The Enemy," it occurs to me that a better plan would be to, you know, come up with some sensible fucking policies that stand a chance of actually achieving that end. The enemy is abetted, after all, not by those who have the temerity to question these idiotic schemes, but instead by the idiots who commence them in the first place.

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Question of the Day

Courtesy of Mr. Shakes...

What non-elected person has the most influence on America? (Answers that are not allowed: Karl Rove, Rupert Murdoch, or Osama bin Laden.)

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Truth Falls Away in a Cloud of Predictable Tedium

If you want to know what’s wrong with the media, look no further than this video. Unbelievable. Watch the last minute in particular.

Katie Couric is a GOP shill. Howard Dean’s ability to keep his composure is admirable. That’s why I could never be a political party chair. If I had to face that bullshit, I’d have reached through the screen and punched that bitch in the throat.

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Boy sues; schools are “designed to the disadvantage of males”

It was only a matter of time.

Seventeen-year-old Milton High School senior Doug Anglin (whose father just happens to be a lawyer and just happened to write his son’s complaint) has filed a federal civil rights complaint against his school with the US Department of Education's Office for Civil Rights, alleging that Milton discriminates against boys.

''The system is designed to the disadvantage of males," Anglin said. ''From the elementary level, they establish a philosophy that if you sit down, follow orders, and listen to what they say, you'll do well and get good grades. Men naturally rebel against this."

…[Anglin] proposes that the high school give students credit for playing sports, not just for art and drama courses. He also urges that students be allowed to take classes on a pass/fail basis to encourage more boys to enroll in advanced classes without risking their grade point average. He also wants the school to abolish its community service requirement, saying it's another burden that will just set off resistance from boys, who may skip it and fail to graduate as a result.
Okay, I think I’ve got this straight. Men “naturally” rebel against a philosophy which rewards sitting down, following orders, and listening, but women “naturally” respond to it. That must explain why there are no male priests, doctors, psychologists, teachers, judges, or attorneys, for a start, all of which require not only the ability to get through a school system which has always required students to sit down, follow orders, and listen, but also require the same as part of the actual job. Oh wait—isn’t Daddy Anglin an attorney? How did that happen?

Well, never mind that. Let’s look at Anglin’s suggestions.

Give students credit for playing sports, not just for art and drama courses. Interesting obfuscation, except students are already given credit for gym class, which is the actual equivalent of art and drama courses. If you start giving school credit for extracurricular activities, then the plays and art shows which drama and art students participate in outside of school hours ought to garner school credit, too—which brings us right back to a level playing field. And, let’s face it, if implemented, this idea is really just going to be discriminatory against boys anyway, since playing a sport requires discipline, adherence to rules, following coaches’ orders, and listening, and boys “naturally” rebel against all those things.

Allow students to take classes on a pass/fail basis to encourage more boys to enroll in advanced classes without risking their grade point average. So, basically, make school easier. Anglin says this isn’t about girls being smarter than boys, but it certainly sounds that if girls are “willing to risk” their GPAs to take advanced classes, but boys aren’t, that it’s about girls being braver and working harder than their male cohorts. Of course, Anglin would undoubtedly argue girls take less risk and don’t have to work as hard, since school favors them and they’re “naturally” disposed to sitting down, following orders, and listening. It’s quite the snake eating its tail.

Abolish community service requirement; it's another burden that will just set off resistance from boys, who may skip it and fail to graduate as a result. See, now this is where I start to think that this really isn’t about a school that discriminates against boys, but boys who are simply unwilling or unprepared to meet the demands of school. There’s no earthly reason that girls should be able to complete a community service requirement and boys shouldn’t. No small number of community service groups—the Elks, Moose International, the Exchange Club, YMCA, etc.—began as (and some still are) exclusively male organizations, so any argument that women are “naturally” predisposed to community service and men aren’t would be a tough sell. People who are socialized to have a selfish and entitled nature, however, are not difficult to find at all. I suspect some of them are boys.

I don’t want to minimize the possibility that boys are struggling more in school in larger numbers than girls are, but I’m going to turn it over to Mannion for a moment to explain why addressing this as a gender-specific issue is a bad idea:

In his New Republic article, Richard Whitmire reports some statistics that show that while 72 per cent of eighth grade girls are reading at or above their grade reading level only 61 per cent of boys are and he uses these numbers as more evidence that boys are in trouble…

There are several ways to look at that… But here's how I look at it.

If you have an incoming high school freshman class of 100 boys and 100 girls, you have 61 boys who are reading at or above their grade level and 72 girls who are and you have 67 kids, boys and girls, who aren't!

67 kids out of 200 who can't read at their grade level? That's a big problem. And for 28 of those kids you can't attribute the trouble to their being boys, because, well, they're girls. Which suggests that reading skills aren't necessarily a matter of gender and that those 39 boys who are having trouble might very well be having trouble for the same reasons the girls are.

Obviously, then, if you set out to solve the problem in a boy-centered way you are going to end up slighting or even ignoring all those girls.
And that’s really the issue here. We have a large failing of very many students in both genders throughout our educational system, but because girls who are doing well are doing well in higher numbers, this is becoming a question about How To Rescue Boys. Inevitably, this leads to all sorts of discussions about the innate tendencies of boys and girls, which has the dual ill effect of generating solutions that may benefit only struggling boys (thereby ignoring the girls who need help, and in some cases, potentially undermining the success of the majority of both boys and girls who are already doing well) and allowing us to collectively ignore the possibility that there is a reason completely unrelated to gender which can account for the problem. It wasn't the inherent, gender-specific qualities of girls that kept them uneducated for so long; it was lack of opportunity, justified by the repeated invoking of those supposedly immutable qualities. Just as we were right to be suspicious of such claims in denying educational opportunities to women, so we should be reluctant to view what is, in reality, a more complicated issue through the lens of gender now.

The disdain for intellectualism we see in evidence every single day is heard equally by boys and girls. The teaching-to-test rather than teaching-to-learn made prevalent by No Child Left Behind effect both boys and girls. The increasing tendency of parents to intervene on a failing or misbehaving child’s behalf by criticizing—or suing—the school instead of demanding the kid get its ass into gear affects both sons and daughters, assures them that they don’t have to earn their grades; they just have to shout until they get what they want.

Is Anglin’s problem really that he’s a boy—or that he’s been overly indulged? He’s got a 2.88 GPA and plays both soccer and baseball. His father thinks that “the school system should compensate boys for the discrimination by boosting their grades retroactively” so they can get into college. Is it crazy to suggest that if your kid can’t maintain a GPA appropriate for a college-bound student, then perhaps he should have spent less time playing two sports and more time doing his homework? Apparently so. Better that we twist and contort the school system to allow Anglin to have it all, rather than expecting that he give a little more.

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AUMF, she sighed.

Good piece by Jacob Weisberg in Slate: The Power-Madness of King George.

Simply put, Bush and his lawyers contend that the president's national security powers are unlimited. And since the war on terror is currently scheduled to run indefinitely, the executive supremacy they're asserting won't be a temporary condition.

This extremity of Bush's position emerges most clearly in a 42-page document issued by the Department of Justice last week. As Andrew Cohen, a CBS legal analyst, wrote in an online commentary, "The first time you read the 'White Paper,' you feel like it is describing a foreign country guided by an unfamiliar constitution." To develop this observation a bit further, the nation implied by the document would be an elective dictatorship, governed not by three counterpoised branches of government but by a secretive, possibly benign, awesomely powerful king.

…according to Gonzales, [Bush] has garnered even more authority under the congressional authorization for the use of military force, passed in the wake of the Sept. 11 attacks. This resolution is invariably referred to by the ungainly acronym AUMF—the sound, perhaps, of civil liberties being exhaled by a democracy.
I admit the piece is a little bit of a “Yeah, that’s the general consensus around here,” but it’s a good summary and well-written with some enjoyable snark.

Totally unrelated (except insomuch as it addresses yet another signal that we are living in some parallel universe that aspires to be Bizarro America) but also worth a read: The Poor Man suggests we stage an all-star panel on blogger ethics in his pants. Good idea, say I.

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Kerry to Lead Filibuster of Alito

Shaker BD passes on this link:

I have confirmed reports that Kerry wants to filibuster Alito, and he is talking to his colleagues to round up the 41 votes he needs.
Shaker VL emails that a senior aide has noted, “People aren’t engaged in this fight… The reality is this isn’t something that American people are calling in droves about. We’re getting more calls in on NSA spying than we are on Alito.”

So get calling the Alito 8 who won’t support a filibuster (contact info at the link) and call Senator Kerry to thank him and encourage him to stick with it: (202) 224-2742.

Just pick up the phone and make a difference!

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More News Conference Fun

Testy, testy:

QUESTION: Mr. President, though -- this is a direct follow-up to that -- the FISA law was implemented in 1978 in part because of revelations that the National Security Agency was spying domestically. What is wrong with that law that you feel you have to circumvent it and, as you just admitted, expand presidential powers?

BUSH: You said that I have to "circumvent" it. Wait a minute, that's a -- it's like saying, "You know, you're breaking the law." I'm not. See, that's what you got to understand: I am upholding my duty and at the same time doing so under the law and with the Constitution behind me. That's just very important for you to understand.

Secondly, the FISA law was written in 1978. We're having the discussion in 2006. It's a different world. And FISA's still an important tool. It's an important tool, and we still use that tool. But, also -- and I looked. I said, "Look, is it possible to conduct this program under the old law?" And people said, "It doesn't work in order to be able do the job we expect to us do."

And so, that's why I made the decision I made. And, you know, "circumventing" is a loaded word. And I refuse to accept it, because I believe what I'm doing is legally right.
Translation: I’m full of shit, but I’m telling you over and over that I’m not. I am not full of shit. That’s very important for you to believe and reprint far and wide until every American believes it, too.

Secondly, I’m a tool.

And, you know, I’m a lying tool, but I refuse to admit it, because I can do anything I fucking want MWAH HA HA HA.

(Yeah, and on the whole “legally right” thing—not so much.)

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I’m Clairvoyant! (Abramoff Photos Edition)

January 22, 2006—Shakespeare’s Sister:

I predict that when these photos inevitably surface, the White House will easily dismiss them with a line like, “The President meets thousands of people. That doesn’t mean he has a personal relationship with every one of them.”
January 26, 2006—President Bush:

I've had my picture taken with a lot of people. Having my picture taken with someone doesn't mean that I'm a friend with him or know him very well. My point is, I mean, there's thousands of people that come through and get their pictures taken.
Boy, and the photos haven’t even been published yet. Bush is ahead of schedule.

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School is a Battlefield

The pictured poster was designed by the Bay Area’s San Leandro High School Gay-Straight Alliance as part of an effort to comply with state laws “requiring schools to ensure students' safety and curb discrimination and harassment.” In December, the school board approved a policy which requires all teachers in the district to hang the posters in their classrooms, but, the San Francisco Chronicle reports that five teachers are refusing to display the posters in their classrooms because “homosexuality violates their religious beliefs.”

Lots of things in public schools violate someone’s religious beliefs. But, much like pharmacists who choose a profession in which they may be required to dispense medications they may personally not like, professional public school educators must respect that many of their students’ personal beliefs and traits will be different from their own. That’s why Pentecostal public school educators can’t require their female students to not cut their hair and wear only ankle-length skirts, and Jewish public school educators can’t demand that their male students all wear yarmulkes, and atheist public school educators can’t forbid crucifixes and yarmulkes and hajibs. It simply isn’t the job of public school educators to dictate their own religious beliefs (or lack thereof) to their students.

And, as an aside, even if homosexuality does violate one’s religious beliefs, respect for and protection of homosexuals does not.

Take a look at that poster. This is a safe space to be who you are. Why is it even necessary? In 2001, the Sexuality Information and Education Council of the United States (SIECUS) surveyed lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and questioning (LGBTQ) students under 19 years of age nationwide, and found (in part):

69% of LGBTQ youth reported experiencing some form of harassment or violence. 61.1% of LGBTQ youth reported experiences of verbal harassment with 45.9% having experienced it daily. 46.5% reported experiences of sexual harassment, 27.6% reported experiences of physical harassment, and 13.7% reported experiences of physical assault
Nearly 14% of LGBYQ youth have been physically assaulted at school, and these so-called Christians are more interested in taking a stand against hanging a poster reassuring them that they’re safe than actually making sure they’re safe. They’d rather make political points about how persecuted poor Christians on government wages are than be a part of productively addressing the actual, physical persecution of gay teens.

~ 99.4% of LGBTQ youth reported hearing homophobic remarks from other students

~ 36.6% of LGBTQ youth reported hearing homophobic remarks from faculty or school staff

~ 39.2% of LGBTQ youth reported that no one ever intervened when homophobic remarks were heard. 46.5% reported that someone intervened only some of the time. Other students were more often reported to intervene (82.4%) than were faculty (66.5%)
My parents were both public high school teachers and are both devout, practicing Christians whose lives revolve around their church, and neither one of them felt the least conflict of interest in making sure their gay students were protected and treated with respect. If my mother heard one of her students even use “gay” as a negative term—“This homework assignment is gay”—she would chastise them for it, no less if they were actually harassing a gay student. And far from considering that in violation of her religious beliefs, she felt it was a necessary application of them, not to mention one of her prerogatives as a teacher.

If homosexuality violates your religious beliefs, fine—don’t be gay. But don’t pretend it gives you the right as a public educator to refuse to protect your gay students.

I’d have loved to hear the explanation from these five homobigots where in their scripture it tells them that protecting homosexuals from harassment is against God’s will, but, of course, these brave Christian soldiers weren’t available for comment.

(Hat tip to Catherine.)

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