News From Shakes Manor

Background: I never hear my name. Mr. Shakes has an ever-broadening reservoir of ridiculous nicknames for me—Tschoobs, Tubbs, Chubbs, Chunkles, Boobs, Bubles, Bublekins, Bawheed, Nushtelhead, Dushtels, Hen…the list goes on and on, one nonsensical moniker after the next, specifically designed to make me laugh (and inevitably successful in said endeavor).

Last night on The Colbert Report, Stephen’s guest was Rep. Stephanie Tubbs Jones, D-Ohio, who he christened Judge Tubbs. I knew immediately this was not going to bode well for me.

Mr. Shakes: Bwah ha ha ha! Joodge Toobbs! That’s what I’m gooing to call you froom noo on, every time you pass joodgment oon me.

Shakes: Oh no.

Mr. Shakes: Ooh yes! Joodge Toobbs!

Shakes: Shut up.

Mr. Shakes: Oooooh, Joodge Toobbs has rooled! I moost shoot oop!

Shakes: Seriously. Shut up.

Mr. Shakes: I’m gooing to get you a gavel for your Christmas pressie, Joodge Toobbs.

Shakes: I don’t need a gavel. I’m just going to smack you upside the head.

Mr. Shakes: Here coome da joodge!

Damn you, Stephen Colbert.

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