I Hate Hummers

But I hate Hummer drivers more.

One of those mofo gas-guzzling steel behemoth substitute penis captains nearly killed me this morning, passing me on a country road, which has a posted speed limit of 30mph, but is traveled at 50mph by everyone on it (even the cops). That wasn’t fast enough for Mr. Big Time, though. The road is barely wide enough for two vehicles as it is, no less if one of them is a Hummer. The driver of the bright yellow, flag-emblazoned turdmobile cut around me so tightly, that his passenger sideview mirror looked to come crashing through my window. I swerved over into the six inches of road I had left before my wheels fell into a ditch, and he cut over closer, pushing me off the road. There was a two second period where I wasn't sure if I was going to veer off into a cornfield or cut back in and crash into the Hummer. I just kept on driving, because of course having two wheels in a ditch and leaning at a 45-degree angle is perfectly normal for a seasoned stunt driver like me. Once he passed, I sorted myself out. Absolutely bloody madness.

I’m buying a horse.

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